Who Am I?

I feel that for most of my life - I have devoted myself to turning the lights on within myself; within my Heart; within my Life and the World around me. 

I’ve spent a lot of time in my darkness - roaming; wandering around; trying to make sense of it; trying to make peace with it; understanding it; finding a sense of safety, warmth and comfort in it; finding new parts and pieces of myself there; moments spent burrowing myself out of it and moments of finding it so deliciously intertwined inside of me. 

I have been to the depths of the emotional trenches of my Heart and I have found that which lurks in those trenches - waiting to comfort me - to ease my pain; nurture me in my sorrows. I have found that which lifts me out of those emotional trenches when my time of exploration is over and it is time to move on. 

I have learnt to see that every part of me is a necessary piece to the puzzle - in every experience of turning the lights on - I am new; a new Soul; a new heart; a new Person … living a new Life. 

Lately, I find myself enamoured and intrigued by the pure resilience of the human spirit - day to day live-ing; continuously moving on and moving forward. On a day to day basis in my life - looking into the Eyes of the people around me - I feel their Hearts and its unique colors. I feel their Energies and its unique layers and how it envelopes itself within my Layers - harmonizing to meet the needs and wants of ourselves; of our lives.

I can feel that nothing is obscured; nothing is hidden - it is all laid out on the table - the hurt; the pain; the insecurities; the limitations we feel - sometimes fighting to move forward and constantly feeling pulled back; how misunderstood we feel; how unseen we feel; the harshness we endure at times - all laid out on the table. And somehow … somehow it feels like we’re all okay - like everything’s going to be okay. 

All this to say - I feel that there is something liberating to the human spirit - to bring to life in my words and on my canvases - all those things that are laid out on the table. It is a soft and gentle way of turning the lights on - day by day; little by little; moment by moment. So that we can see ourselves a bit more clearly; so that we can feel a gradual lightening of the heaviness weighing us down. It is revealing the centre of it; the core of it - where once the lights have turned on - you feel it inside of you - that it is your light; it is of you and you are of it. Slowly and gently remembering all the ways that you belong to yourself again. 

It is not easy … it is not easy to come face to face with myself sometimes. Sometimes, before the lights are switched on, I see more clearly a darkness that I was living in that I was unaware of prior. And those moments are not easy - I have to pause for a moment before I write. Feeling how much it wants to be clarified; how much it needs to be seen and understood; how much it is ready! I take moments in between writing - often crying - as I feel the depths of a personal light being switched on or a collective light; more often than not they are inseparable. I can’t help but feel that part of what I create is borne of the Absolute Tenderness of the Heart of Humanity. 

It is not easy … it is not easy to look into someone’s Eyes and see them offer unto me a piece of their Vulnerability asking to be brought to Life; to be clarified; to bring Light to it. And again, in those moments - it’s like I can feel the Heart of Humanity reaching her hand out to my Heart - asking to reveal what those Eyes are asking of me. The Unique Vulnerabilities that we all carry; that we all possess - they are such catalysts that strengthen the human spirit - it’s like a culmination of a person’s heart and their experiences; everything that they’ve felt - what it’s given to them; what’s it taken from them; what they’re desperately reaching out and in need of. It creates a powerful vulnerability that when brought to life - many Lights start switching on. 

It is not easy - but it is what makes me feel most ALIVE; most FULFILLED; most CONNECTED. At times, it feels endlessly exhausting … it can be tiring and lonely and scary and dark at times. I’ve had to guide myself to submerge myself in the thrill and the intrigue of the exploration but not get so winded that by the time I come up for air - I am exhausted. I’ve had to connect to the lightness of my life - prioritizing my well-being and my quality of life on a day to day basis. I’ve had to give myself grace for the moments that I do get lost in it and come up exhausted. But lately, I feel life soothing the exhaustion and the loneliness. I’ve felt life gently nudging me to see that it is not as scary and dark as I have felt it to be at times. 

But … some of it … a lot it is EASY; not just easy, but beautiful to experience life in this way - to feel the Hearts of Humans. To feel and see how our energies combine; harmonize; melt into each other. To feel how stubborn; heavy and seemingly insurmountable energies of the Heart can just melt and unravel itself into the Unique Energies of another’s Heart … a destined Elixir. 

This is what goes into my work - into my Art. This is the depth of what my words hold. This is the clarity that is stamped onto my canvases. It is all of Chelsea; all of Her World; all of Her Soul. The Heart of who I am - broken/ shattered/ piecing itself back together/ whole and illuminating; the Heart of my Life - lights on; lights switched off; turning them back on - this is what my Life’s Work encompasses and embodies. It is giving a Voice and Life and Color to the Heart of who we are; the Heart of Humanity and all its Layers. 

Saying what those Eyes are telling me; 

Painting the Colors of those Hearts;

So that little by little 

We can see ourselves a little more clearly everyday.

… this is who I am.

Chelsea Avasa Khan