“But now after first experienicng the depths of DIS-CONNECTION and then slowly being led into the waters of RE-CONNECTION - my PRESENCE in my LIFE feels REAL … feels SOLID. In some ways, it feels like Life’s soft and intimate declaration of Love for me - honoring MY PRESENCE; honoring my willingness to SHOW UP & SHOW OUT. I feel so held by Life in a Way I’ve never anticipated feeling … SOLID & REAL you know … that it has me … all of me under its wing!”

“Vulnerabilities and fragilities that I once tried to make into strong and unbreakable things - I let it be as is within me - I let it create darknesses and sorrow that painted my world and my heart in its hurt and its pain. I let my fragilities break and shatter me - I lived in the breaking; I existed as the shattered peices. And there I experienced myself more deeply; more intimately; more closely.”

“I guess it makes sense right - at some point, if you don’t feel loved, you begin to question why? What’s wrong with you? What can I do to fix this? And you come up with a plan … if you do this, this and this and accomplish all of ‘this’ … then, then you will be loved. 

I guess those moments kickstart something in you that leads you to something greater - but the story comes full circle and begins to mend itself in all the ways that it needs to be mended.”

“But I feel lately … that Life is slowly and gently clearing up the misconceptions of my heart. 

It’s like my heart has been dead-set on these misconceptions - and yet my Heart is both delighted and relieved to be proven wrong.”

“Somewhere along the line, I gathered that my Soul was focusing me into solidifying the stability I feel within myself; the completeness I experience within myself; feeling at Home within myself. I think it allowed me to understand that I wasn’t on a ‘quest’ to find my happiness or my joy again, rather I was just focused on experiencing Life in a different way; experiencing a different part of my Self-Expression.”

“I feel that this year I’ve been experiencing a completely different aspect of myself. For the previous years - I felt certainty and decisiveness and absolutes and truths an integral part of who I am and I feel that it created and solidified a sense of self that was of my Soul Nature. 

This year, the theme changed - and my heart didn’t feel decisive anymore. Instead, my heart felt much more flexible - all these latent parts of my heart were coming to life. Things felt less and less ‘good/ bad’; ‘right/ wrong’; ‘yes/ no’ and more and more of it’s just an experience. I guess in a lot of ways, I’ve been made significantly lighter by the clarity of these experiences - as holding less tightly to decisive ultimatums - means that I’ve been holding on to a lot less. 

I guess in more ways than one - this year, my heart freed itself - again and again and again by just allowing itself to exist as is in the moment.” 

““I loved how she awoke every day and got up - when her heart was filled/ weighted with such a consistent quiet heaviness - a heaviness quietly overflowing from her heart that made her body want to fall to its knees.

I loved how quietly she clung to those morning cups of coffee - that while Life felt so fragile - in those moments, She could feel Life holding her - gently; covering her for some time in the tender warmth of its shade.

I loved how one day - She could wake up and feel a little more whole than yesterday & I loved how She just welcomed it - welcomed it, when two pieces came together; when five pieces came together.”

“It takes bravery and it takes courage to even want to come back home to yourself; to even let in the possibility of truly coming back to life. But it takes humility to realize the Pure Intelligence of the Thing that is constantly nudging you and calling you to yourself again and again and again. It takes Humility; It takes Surrender; It takes Succumbing to the experiences that are layered in so many ways to cater to you in every way possible - so that you feel your Heart alive and beating inside of you again. It requires Respecting the Sanctity of Grace and how profusely it is showing up for You.”

“I can feel how tenderly and gently my Soul has been guiding my adjustment - how over these past couple of weeks - I’ve had time to just spend with myself; with Chelsea. Everything that I’ve written over this past month - has felt really special to me because I got to just sit and spend time with all the quiet stories that are constantly on play inside of my mind. I opened up to myself in a way that I never have before and in a way that I needed to.”

“I guess part of me feels that I’ve been liked or loved in my life - when I gave the parts of me that was wanted; that was asked of me. There’s a part of me that has felt constantly excluded for being; for just existing as I am. I’ve felt eyes constantly looking at me - not with care or love, but with scrutiny. I’ve felt the kind of eyes that look upon you as if you exist without a heart and you’re impervious to feeling. I’ve felt the kind of eyes that look upon you as a way to just pass the time and fill the emptiness. I’ve felt eyes that have looked upon me disgusted at the thought of me - choosing myself; choosing my heart; choosing to belong to myself; as if to say, what a way to make a fool of yourself. And how these eyes feel easily justified in their gaze as they can easily gather more wandering eyes to focus upon this spectacle.”

“And now, I feel that writing about it, has that same effect - turning my internal world, inside out - just allowing it to breathe. There’s no silver lining to what I’ve been writing about these past couple of days, there’s no despair - instead, it’s just allowing a lot of what I’ve been bottling up quietly within my inner world to let itself out. That’s it, you know. 

I’ve realized that bottling things up isn’t necessarily keeping things to myself you know - it's withheld from me too. It’s like I have all these closed bottles in my hands but none of them are open. I’m just holding it.”

“The Eyes of my Past are looking anxiously to break into my new future … for to break into my new future would bring me the utmost relief … no longer holding my breath … no longer feeling a wicked suspense constantly hovering over me … where the Air is Still and the Silence carries an ever anxious atmosphere … pulsating with an incoming make or break moment. 

See, it’s one thing to move forward; to leap ahead; but it’s another thing to feel your past constantly chasing you to get to your future. Part of you feels like you cannot ever slow down until you get there - and you feel the hardness of it; like you would be punished for slowing down; for wanting to slow down. It’s a lot; a lot of what I’ve been quietly feeling - that quiet background music that no one else can hear.”

“She hates it; doesn’t understand how part of Her feels so easily fragile - that Love has become this thing that is so hard to catch a hold of. So easily fragile - that Love has barely showed up for her and left so often. Left so often - and leaves a hole inside of her heart every time. Leaves a hole inside of her heart - breaks her apart and breaks her down. As if her heart had only ever known Love that leaves and shatters you into pieces when it leaves. Shatters her into pieces when it leaves - and while her heart feels accustomed to the whole debacle - she still wants to reach out to it; hold on to it and just beg it to stay. Just beg it to stay for once and yet still hoping that Love would stay without being asked too. In her heart’s fragility - she is pleading, begging, for it to stay with her. For once, that It would hold to Her as She has wanted to hold to It. That’s the Story of Love that has lived inside of Her Heart for some time now.“

“It’s interesting you know - waking up everyday and being able to express in my writing - what I’m feeling; what’s real for me here and now, inside of my heart - it’s like turning myself inside out. I’m not hidden from myself; I’m not a secret to myself - I’m not harboring any secrets from myself. It’s like there’s no part of me that feels the need to retreat or recoil within myself … anymore. 

I guess that I did keep parts of myself hidden. I retreated and recoiled within myself to make sense of certain things. But I feel so much more alive expressing the realness of what I feel in its entirety, here and now - like I am not withholding any part of myself from me.”

“She wants to say that it’s easier than it looks - because of who he is; because of everything that he already is. A perfect canvas - it’s just that along the way Life put its muddy handprints all over it and it got really hard to see the original painting again. 

She just wants to throw that muddied canvas into Her Waters and watch how effortlessly; how easily - he can see himself again; in ways that he never thought that he would see himself again.”

“I’d say the other significant thing that my Jewel of Creation has taught me - is putting mySelf first; putting my Heart and Happiness first. There was a time where I felt like being a Vessel to this Jewel of Creation was of utmost priority but after sometime of putting that first constantly, it exhausted me. I would feel that bringing to Life this Clarity was a matter of life or death for me - which I know sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s the heaviness that I placed on it.”

“This week, it almost feels like that prior heaviness and darkness has been getting a first hand look at this New Lightness - seeing and really feeling and connecting to all the ways that I have changed.”

“The Eyes of Empty-ness hold a poisonous gaze if you stare into it for too long.

Poisonous because it has the potential to turn your absolute Sense of Self upside down. 

Making your heart question the very nature of your Self; that which is unquestionable in the Eyes of the Absolute. 

Self-Esteem; Self-Worth

You, who are of; You, who are the Highest-Esteemed; the Highest Worth”

“See, I know my Complete-ness and in that World of Complete-ness - I am experiencing the Stability of Life; I am experiencing the Abundance of mySelf; I am experiencing the Power of my Presence and Present moment - Creating.”

“The divine holding ItSelf. “