It’s one of those moments where I just feel a sense of freedom and relief in being ready to share another part of myself - to share another part of myself with myself.
I feel that this year - I have felt both sides of everything, not quite settling in either end. I feel myself becoming lighter and lighter, and yet I feel that I have been carrying this constant quiet heaviness.
This constant quiet heaviness that my mind has been trying to work through everyday.
I can say that it’s this quiet frenzy but I am sure that in writing it, feeling it through - I’ll be able to see it more clearly.
I have felt constantly misunderstood and while I have tried not to dwell on it, and just to continue focusing on what I was creating, it has weighed heavily on my heart. I guess part of me felt that I have no control over being misunderstood so there is not much that I can do about it. And while my mind can understand that, my heart has been feeling it deeply.
It’s been a narrative constantly on play, quietly in my mind - trying to make sense of it, trying to rectify it - so that my heart can feel some relief and be at ease.
I have felt so belittled in the midst of constantly being misunderstood. I have felt so, so, so belittled that I felt that I was getting smaller and smaller to the World - disappearing inside of myself. I wanted to hide away from everyone and everything - like a vampire retreating to its coffin, or a Chelsea retreating to her closet to drown it all out.
Sometimes, I wonder if humans understand how easily they have the ability to pierce one’s heart over and over and over again - how simple their words can make you feel incredibly invisible.
I’ve talked to myself about it - incessantly, that I know who I am; that I know when people cannot understand something, how easily they can dismiss it; that I know people belittle you when they themselves are too scared of seeing something deeper and more real within themselves in this very moment.
So I thought I’d continue living, continue being myself, continue creating; continue. And then it dawned on me, how ridiculous of me for wanting to hide away - from my life; from my life. From the life - where I experience my heart, my soul, my God so rawly and viscerally alive inside of me. From the life - where I can close my eyes and feel the soul and source of my Existence in all its infinite and diverse ways of expressions. I want to exist; I want to be here; I want to live as I am.
I want to be myself. I want to be Chelsea. I’ll be Chelsea - I’ll be my free and light spirit - and when people are rattled by that and feel that they are judging me; I’m only showing them that they have been living within the confines of their own judgements. And if they think that I must bow to their judgments because they cannot see their own freedoms - then I will not succumb to their demands. But I’ll also be Chelsea and I’ll feel a little hurt/ a lot hurt … but I’ll be okay.
I’ll be Chelsea - and I’ll take leaps and jumps forward when I cannot see what is front of me, but I know that I need to jump. I know that I need to jump to keep being myself; to keep what is precious and sacred to me alive.
I’ve felt so used, so, so, so, so used … and easily discarded. That I haven’t been able to be accepted for just existing; in my constant offerings of who I am, I am momentarily let in but never accepted.
I think about these things a lot - and it’s funny how I say that I don’t let myself dwell on it for too long. I think about it a lot and I feel it a lot - and in some ways I’ve become a bit hardened to it. It is part of my experience but it is not the entirety of my experience and yet it being a part of my experience makes it integral to my experience.
There are times where I have felt like nothing, absolutely nothing and I cannot help but feel at times that humans have lost their damn mind sometimes - that they cannot see that they are connecting with a real, live human being in front of them. And I can see how disconnected they are - I’m looking at those eyes but there is no one there and then I fear for myself because this person doesn’t know what they are doing, but nonetheless they are doing it and I am on the receiving end of that. And I feel those moments so potently inside of my Heart. I feel like I was just being myself - and something inside of me was suddenly crushed.
I’ve felt it weighing on me everyday quietly, quietly trying to navigate through it but never being able to make peace with it. It bothers me, it bothers me more than I care to admit but the writing is on the wall - well it’s on the inside of my mind. It’s a constant quiet hurting - being misunderstood; feeling so used; feeling like nothing. Nothing I’ve done has made it feel better. I feel somewhat hardened by it and weary of it.
I don’t want myself and my heart to become blind to the good nature of life and people. I don’t want to be so caught up in these stories inside of my mind - that I miss out on connecting with the pure and absolute goodness of life here and now.
I just don’t want these stories to weigh so heavily inside of my heart anymore …
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
It’s interesting you know - waking up everyday and being able to express in my writing - what I’m feeling; what’s real for me here and now, inside of my heart - it’s like turning myself inside out. I’m not hidden from myself; I’m not a secret to myself - I’m not harboring any secrets from myself. It’s like there’s no part of me that feels the need to retreat or recoil within myself … anymore.
I guess that I did keep parts of myself hidden. I retreated and recoiled within myself to make sense of certain things. But I feel so much more alive expressing the realness of what I feel in its entirety, here and now - like I am not withholding any part of myself from me.
Clarity is part of what I create and express but in its totality - I am expressing who I am here and now.
