Complete-ness - Part 1
Lately, I have been feeling so much around; centered around my personal and intimate sense of complete-ness; which means that I have been experiencing a clearer and more visceral & vibrant understanding of what that is.
It feels like a quiet ongoing dissolution of everything that my emptiness has built - and all the ways that I’ve seen myself in that emptiness; all the ways that I’ve seen myself as that emptiness.
It’s another one of those moments where I feel that hesitation to write but it’s also one of those moments where I just carry on and keep writing.
It’s a dissolution of myself that feels soft and pure and yet it is not true to who I am - it just looks that way. My emptiness looks like being starved of connection and constantly craving it. It looks like constantly looking outside of me for it - trying to make something out of nothing; trying to make what is empty full. Sometimes it looks like love; it looks like caring - but instead it is exhausting constantly trying to make something into what it’s not; what it was never meant to be. I’ve seen it time and time again for myself - it’s a road that never leads anywhere, ever.
And frankly speaking, I can’t do that to myself anymore. My intention was pure; my Heart was Pure but all along the way my Soul has been shining a consistent light on my Complete-ness. My True and Absolute and All-Encompassing Complete-ness.
I just wanted connection - full and real, you know, but casting that Net outside of myself has exhausted me and it has been futile. It just makes me think - that Space inside of my Heart that I filled with that constant love and care focused on others - a space that has felt unstable; a space that is worn out in its constant open-ness and vulnerability; so worn out! - what becomes of it now that I am longer to be engaged with that Space.
I’ve been having these clear visions of encompassing all the layers of my complete-ness and these visions clearing away attachments to that story of emptiness.
It’s seeing how on the other side of it all - my emptiness has been casting out nets constantly trying to find more; but only reeling in more of the emptiness. I have felt it enough times to now know and understand the true and absolute sense of my completeness and the false sense of emptiness constantly reaching out only to bring in more of itself.
I have felt a lot of inner conflict with this - a lot of back and forth. Honestly, I felt all these layers of anger, rage, frustration. How could I fully understand my innate complete-ness and yet there was part of me - that was fighting; constantly fighting the emptiness for not giving me what I wanted, what I needed. I was constantly fighting the emptiness of myself that I was feeling; experiencing. I felt that I could not let it go and it wouldn’t let go of me.
See, I know my Complete-ness and in that World of Complete-ness - I am experiencing the Stability of Life; I am experiencing the Abundance of mySelf; I am experiencing the Power of my Presence and Present moment - Creating.
I guess sometimes, I just wanted to wake up and feel that complete-ness and full-ness fully alive within my Life - where it is easy to see everyday and all the time. But what I wanted was never there; what I needed was never there. My Soul was always directing me to the Complete-ness within Me; to the Real Whole-ness within me.
I was looking through one Eye seeing the Pure Complete-ness of who I am and the other Eye seeing the cold emptiness. It’s exhausting to see through that perspective - seeing the High and Low simultaneously. ‘Til I realized that I needed to see completely from my Pure Complete-ness. I couldn’t have it both ways. I didn’t need to. I needed to lean into seeing completely through the Pure Gaze of my Pure Complete-ness and fall completely into it.
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
