Bottled up!

The trend continues this week - I find myself focused on writing about how I feel in moments that I usually don’t feel like putting pen to paper. Usually in moments like this, I’ve just wanted to get past it and find solace within myself again. 

But recently, something special has been happening - it’s like the spotlight is softly shining on all the parts of myself that I have kept bottled up for some time now … some for a long time now. It feels special because it feels like Life is allowing me to find peace and ease with parts of myself that have constantly felt stuck in a cycle of this heaviness that has just felt insurmountable. 

I guess in moments like this I feel disconnected; I feel this sense of dread and foreboding overwhelming me. I try not to focus on it - but more often than not when the feeling comes - my body is already focused on it. It just pulls me quietly into its insidious world - that my body has gotten so familiarized with, that it just automatically responds to it; in a way that it feels absolutely sure of its response to the feelings.

I guess there are parts of me that believe in it - those feelings when they overwhelm me. It’s like I’ve told myself that it’s my intuition picking up on this energy and so I’ve believed it to be true and real. I think it feeds off parts of my life where I have just felt really alone and isolated - so when the feeling takes over, it’s been easy to get swept up into its world. I think it shines a light on just how alone I have felt at times and more so the depth of what that loneliness has felt like - it literally feels like I am in this world where no one else exists and it’s just me; there’s nothing else to really reach out to or to hold on too and that’s a pretty intense feeling you know. 

I feel like for the most part when I have felt like this - it felt like something that I just needed to allow to pass; something that I couldn’t talk myself out of; but to just ride the wave of it. It’s one of those things that I felt that I had to navigate completely by myself and on my own … which is interesting huh? I guess part of me felt that talking about; bringing more light to it consciously would only magnify, which in retrospect, doesn’t seem like the way to go. 

I feel that with this feeling, I’ve needed to make it blatantly obvious to myself that the immensity of the dread and foreboding that I’ve felt is not true. 

One of the last times I felt it, I talked to someone really close to me what I was feeling as I was feeling it - it was a quiet vicious combination of dread; foreboding and a touch of paranoia. I think that moment was a significant moment because I let someone into my inner world; allowed them to see a part of myself that I haven’t shared. And I didn’t have to experience something so intense on my own. And it did allow me to see that what can feel insurmountable in my inner world; what can feel immensely terrifying and uncontrollable in my inner world - the moment I opened up and talked about it - I felt lighter; a lot lighter. It was a moment where my inner world could allow itself to let go of the immensity of the dread and foreboding energy that has built up within me and bottled itself up inside of me. It was a moment that happened naturally. 

And now, I feel that writing about it, has that same effect - turning my internal world, inside out - just allowing it to breathe. There’s no silver lining to what I’ve been writing about these past couple of days, there’s no despair - instead, it’s just allowing a lot of what I’ve been bottling up quietly within my inner world to let itself out. That’s it, you know. 

I’ve realized that bottling things up isn’t necessarily keeping things to myself you know - it's withheld from me too. It’s like I have all these closed bottles in my hands but none of them are open. I’m just holding it. 

But now, I feel like this week, the caps on those bottles have just been popping off and I feel just grateful to have this time now to experience and feel and express this. 

I think sometimes my World can feel so vacant and so cold … that’s it you know; that’s just the way it feels at times. And I guess in that coldness; in that emptiness - it’s normal to feel so scared because it is a lot unnerving you know; like there is nothing or no-one there looking out for You; nothing or no-one lending the warmth and fullness of its covering. 

You’re just left feeling suddenly, but familiarly vulnerable … just stripped of any sense of warmth or connection. 

& 

That’s it you know … it just feels that Way sometimes … I feel that Way sometimes … actually Now in this moment I feel ‘that Way’

… wow … see how long it took me to admit that … to myself. That I’m not writing about a moment when I felt like this but I am literally feeling it now in this moment. 

But there is something about writing about it - that takes away from the Immensity with which it is felt and experienced. 

There is something about not keeping it bottled up that makes it feel a lot less insurmountable. 

See, holding it in feels like I am going to War and my Body feels armored and weaponized - ready to defend and protect itself while simultaneously feeling terrified. It’s like part of me knows my strength and power to face my inner storms but the other part of me is just wanting to bask in the warmth of the sunlight and feel the cool breeze blowing on my skin. I am confident in my strength and power and I will not hesitate to flow it into my creativity; to create beautiful expressions of it. But there is me, who constantly craves the warmth of the simplicity of life - where I feel the most healthy - where I feel my inner light softly thriving and flourishing. 

Anyways, not bottling it up - writing about it; talking about it - my Body feels a lot less justified in its response to the daunting feelings; and now it feels like my body is constantly adjusting and allowing itself to come back to a more relaxed state on its own. 

It’s like letting it out - my body guides itself to its natural state of well-being … again and again and again and again and again and again … until it becomes its normal state. 

Sometimes, it just kills me you know - how evasive that Warmth feels at times. I’m craving for the day it becomes my most familiar place to live in. I catch waves of it at times and I ride it; make the most of it. Then there are times when it feels like it's toying with my Heart; teasing my Heart in such a cruel way - moments where I feel that Warmth within my grasp; only to vanish moments later. 

I think part of the intensity of the dread and foreboding comes from the weight of the unknown that I feel at times. The part of me that is just constantly waiting for things to fall into place for me - it is like an accumulation of all the pent up emotions of the unnerving nature of holding my breath, just waiting for that moment. I’ve been in that period of the unknown for a while and I would lying if I said that I do not CRAVE the familiarity of the known for myself - the familiarity of the solidity; of the structure; of the security in my life and to be able to relax comfortably in its warmth!

The feeling of having my feet peacefully planted on the ground!

Felt by - Chelsea Avasa Khan