Lately, I’ve been looking around and seeing that there is more conflict inside of me than there is outside of me. There is part of me that is constantly trying to resolve itself. A part of me that is made up of even more parts.

Lately, I can’t help but feel that these parts of me were always meant to be shared creatively, in my writing, bringing it to life outside of my internal world. I can’t help but feel that it is less about conflict resolving itself and more about letting myself be known more intimately. 

It’s come up again and again and again in my writing this week - that keeping it within my internal world - I’ve also been keeping it from myself; withholding it from myself. 

I feel that when this part of me surfaces - the part of me that is constantly trying to resolve itself - I withdraw into myself and more than that I zone out of myself. I guess the zoning out is because part of me is a bit exhausted from constantly feeling the same stories playing itself over and over and over again. And I withdraw into myself because despite it being a series of overplayed stories - they still have this quiet emotional pull on me that makes the whole thing just feel uncontrollable you know. 

But I can feel how good these parts of me have felt recently - now that they have the opportunity to surface from the darkness of my inner world and see the light of life. It also makes me feel loved - that these parts of me are being given this gentle spotlight to show itself. 

I guess more often than not, I’ve seen these parts of myself as that which needs to be overcome and as I haven’t been able to overcome it - I tend to just leap over it whenever it comes up. Leap over it by jumping into things that made me feel better - that made me feel at ease. I guess I never really thought that I could just sit and write about these parts of me. 

Honestly speaking, part of me quietly thought that the better life got, those parts of me would quietly disappear. But I guess that it is no surprise that that is not the case. Again, these parts of me don’t need to be overcome; they don’t need to disappear and they don’t need to be resolved. 

They need to be brought to life; to be expressed; to be shared; to be felt. They are needed to allow me to create a greater depth of connection to myself; to my life; to the World; to God. 

You know, that’s what these past couple of years have taught me - that I absolutely need to allow myself to express everything that I am feeling - for many reasons. I learnt that I cannot censor or filter or dilute what I feel because what I feel is of great significance on many levels. Like I said, they are needed to allow me to create greater depths of connection to myself; to my life; to my World; to God. 

I give life to all parts of myself and I understand myself more deeply; I feel completely and freely accessible to my heart; I feel a real sense of connection to the world around me. I feel a real sense of connection to the world around me because I understand my connection to myself; to my heart. I can live in this world and experience it - the lows and the highs and the in-betweens and I can get lost; but in cultivating that connection with myself - my heart can tell me without hesitation when it feels warmth; when it feels sparks; when it feels hurt; when it feels dishonored; when it feels disrespected; when it feels disconnected; when it feels love. My Heart can tell me all of it and we won’t sweep it under the rug, you know - because we get it - the Heart is open to connecting; but it is not immune to the hurt of experiencing disconnection. 

I think that’s what I’ve had to acknowledge within myself lately - all the parts of me that have felt disliked or hated or unwanted. You know it’s like these memories or recent experiences keep showing up throughout my day and sometimes in my dreams. I think it’s something that I hesitate to spend time on because it hurts me to know that I’ve felt that way or that I do feel that way. 

I guess part of me feels that I’ve been liked or loved in my life - when I gave the parts of me that was wanted; that was asked of me. There’s a part of me that has felt constantly excluded for being; for just existing as I am. I’ve felt eyes constantly looking at me - not with care or love, but with scrutiny. I’ve felt the kind of eyes that look upon you as if you exist without a heart and you’re impervious to feeling. I’ve felt the kind of eyes that look upon you as a way to just pass the time and fill the emptiness. I’ve felt eyes that have looked upon me disgusted at the thought of me - choosing myself; choosing my heart; choosing to belong to myself; as if to say, what a way to make a fool of yourself. And how these eyes feel easily justified in their gaze as they can easily gather more wandering eyes to focus upon this spectacle. 

I guess the depth of these feelings explain why a huge part of me has felt so disconnected from connection to human beings. It’s the ease with which they can shower you with this sharp coldness in a split second - in a word; in a stare. 

I guess it’s here that I would say that I don’t want to feel this way anymore; I don’t want these stories to live inside of me anymore. But I don’t want to say that - this week, everything that I’ve been writing about - it’s less about silver linings and more about giving a voice to the parts of me that have been kept silent within me for too long. 

Felt by - Chelsea Avasa Khan