I’m sitting here - editing some blogs that I’ve written over the past couple of days to upload to my website and I feel like myself - just a simple quiet happiness and sense of warmth. I guess sometimes I can get really caught up in trying to figure things out and wanting things to fall into place for me; feeling the uncertainty of the unknown - moments where I single handedly stress myself out. And then there are moments like these where I come back to myself - here and now. There’s always a quiet simplicity and ease of Life that calls me back to it; that’s always waiting for me and I find great comfort in it.
Sometimes, it feels like I’m quietly fighting with myself; fighting with the world; fighting with my life. And I think that sometimes when part of you feels really scared - it’s easier to put up a fight, you know. It makes me feel like I’m doing something about it.
To be honest, I don’t know if I feel that scared anymore and I’m not so inclined to ‘the fight’ anymore. It’s not that the unknown has become the known or ‘everything’ has fallen into place for me. I guess over time - I feel more and more at home within me; and more and more at home within life. I think that a lot of it has come from just not restricting myself or trying to restrict my life in any way - allowing life to be and allowing myself to be. I feel that it’s a lot more about not restricting myself at all, you know.
I guess this week - I’ve seen how deeply ingrained within me - part of who I am that’s become quite normal for me - is this intense need to resolve - life; relationships; things within myself. It’s one of those things that I’ve never really expressed out loud but I have lived it intensely. It’s like there is this part of me, that almost feels like the whole of who I am that is just intent on seeing life through these lenses of resolving. And life’s humor is such that I also feel intent on ‘resolving’ this part of me.
It’s like I need to resolve everything - all of it; put the pieces all back together until it’s perfect again. It’s like a belief that I need to fix everything so that things will be good; life will be good.
Wow, wow, wow … Writing it makes me think … what.the.actual.fuck?
I mean, call me crazy but it is making me laugh because wow, what a thought to catch hold of and turn into a pattern; a pattern that snowballed into being a part of who I am. It’s like I woke up one day and decided to self-destruct - but like a slow, everyday, constant ongoing, never-ending, kind of self-destruction.
I mean, I get it you know, growing up, you have experiences in your life, you see the World around you, see things within yourself - that you want to change because it doesn’t feel right; it doesn’t feel good. And I guess it’s normal to want to make things better by wanting to fix them or resolve them. And that’s a big part of how I internalized my World around me growing up. I guess it’s one of those things of having a lot of clarity of what you don’t want gives you greater clarity of what it is that you do want; clarity of what really matters to you.
But I don’t want to carry that part of me so heavily anymore. I don’t want to feel so tied to needing to fix things; to resolve things. I just want to experience my life and connect with it in all the Ways that matter to me.
Honestly, sometimes, holding on to that ‘identity’ of fixing/ resolving feels a lot ‘safer’ you know; appears a lot ‘simpler and easier’; more ‘black and white’. On the other hand, allowing things to be as they are and connecting with it from that place can make you feel tons more vulnerable; like your heart is constantly on the line, you know.
On the other hand, allowing things to be as they are and connecting with it from that place can make you feel tons more vulnerable; like your heart is constantly on the line, you know.
Allowing things to be as they are and connecting with it from that place - actually this feels really peaceful. It’s like I can feel the serenity emanating from it. Like I said earlier, it all comes down to not holding restrictions to myself. The story changes, and you realize it’s leaning less on resolving and fixing things and more so tipping over into accepting myself. Accepting myself is accepting everything that my heart feels - accepting even the ways that I want to restrict myself sometimes.
I just wanted to resolve all the conflict that I was feeling in my heart - and I realize now that it was leading me to see something more of myself; more of who I am. It feels less and less like conflict now, and it just feels like I’m now accepting a part of my heart that I didn’t know that I could accept. A part of my heart that actually makes up a lot of who I am; of who Chelsea is.
It’s a little funny you know, I feel that Life has lead me down the path of seeing more of who I am by shining a Light on it in a Way that allows me to traverse the path and figure it out for myself; see it clearly for myself. So when the grace of understanding touches upon my Heart in a new way - I know that a lot has happened on my path that allows for such a moment to take place so softly and so easily. It’s one thing to heal a broken and hurting heart but it’s another - to try to fix your heart when the truth is that it is ALIVE; so FREE. It’s constantly laying itself completely bare to me.
It’s constantly laying itself completely bare to me - it’s a huge moment for me, you know. I can always tell when something significant has happened for me and this is one of those moments.
It’s like I’ve lived in quiet denial - not recognizing the unique nature of my heart. I’ve lived in a quiet denial of it - in my confusion; and misunderstanding; and trying to figure it out; and trying to make peace with it. Then leaning into accepting not part of what I was feeling; but a whole and full acceptance of not just what I was feeling - but the entirety of my heart. Then moving from acceptance into seeing so clearly that this is just who I am - this is just who Chelsea is; this is Her Heart.
You know, these past couple of years have been a constant and consistent en-lightening sequence of experiences. It’s been A LOT to say the least. I’ve experienced the energies of divine clarities unfolding and unraveling itself within me and bringing it to life. It’s A LOT of energy - constantly; constantly bringing itself to life; constantly expanding itself; constantly moving forward. Overall, these experiences have a unique lightness to it - I can feel the God-ness of it; I feel at Home here in the Sanctuary of the Heavens. I know how to focus myself in that energy and create that energy.
I’ve experienced a plethora of healings; of alchemizations - feeling that I have thrown myself into my own personal darkness - to get to know more of myself there. In that darkness, seeing more of who I am opening up and showing itself to me there. Eventually finding myself feeling more and more at Home there and finding a sense of comfort and warmth there.
Now, lately it feels like I am coming back more and more to myself; to Chelsea. It hasn’t been the easiest transition. See, I’ve felt the lightness; the pure lightness of those divine energies flowing through me for some time. It felt really good and needless to say, I got really accustomed to it. And I just thought that I would always experience that; and even if I wasn’t, it was what I would go back to; what I would return to as my normal.
But over time, I came to see that’s not the case, which seems pretty obvious. But in the flow of it all, coming back to myself, to Chelsea, it’s coming back fully to my physicality; which energetically feels a whole lot heavier; a whole lot denser. And adjusting to, has felt really unnerving at times and a little scary.
I can feel how tenderly and gently my Soul has been guiding my adjustment - how over these past couple of weeks - I’ve had time to just spend with myself; with Chelsea. Everything that I’ve written over this past month - has felt really special to me because I got to just sit and spend time with all the quiet stories that are constantly on play inside of my mind. I opened up to myself in a way that I never have before and in a way that I needed to.
I don’t know - it all feels like another full circle moment. I’ve spent a lot of time - focused on all the things that matter to me in my life; how I want to live and experience my life. I’ve spent a lot of time - experiencing my connection to God; our intimate communion; my connection to my Soul; my connection to Life and my connection to myself. I’ve spent a lot of time to create foundations within myself and within my life and to build on those foundations. I care a lot about what my Life feels like on a day to day basis - wanting to experience the Warmth of my Life through my connection to it and its connection to me. And after all of this, I’ve been brought back … to myself … to Chelsea - that in many ways no part of me has changed; I’ve just been able to see clearly all these parts of me and how they are ever integral to the whole of who I am. And yet in many ways - I have changed tremendously - in that I understand and see clearly now, what it means to be myself, to be Chelsea.
I guess for most of my Life - it has asked me profusely to change; to change who I am again and again and again and again and again and again; and in constantly asking me to change; it was asking of me to not be myself, over and over and over and over again. While those experiences became less and less and I stood steadfast in choosing myself just as profusely as Life had asked me to change, it became so much a part of my internal world. Just playing like background music - its volume sometimes low; sometimes high; always pulling at my heart strings; always feeling it pulling me in some capacity.
I’ve expressed a lot of what this background music feels like in my recent posts and in allowing that expression - it’s part of what is allowing me to experience coming back to myself - gently and with ease. I feel this new sense of quiet within myself; this slowing and settling down within myself - like I’ve found a new peace within myself - feeling a new sense of stability within myself.
November has felt like a space just opened up for me to walk into and walk straight back to myself. It took me quietly by surprise - just all the emotions that surfaced for me. I felt where my Heart and Soul was focused and I zeroed in my attention on it. In retrospect, I was so naturally compassionate with myself - it felt like there was a lot less effort exerted as I just allowed the experience. I guess that’s part of the beauty of this experience - in coming back to myself - I was being myself entirely through it - feeling what I was feeling; talking about what I was feeling.
I took care of myself in a way that just felt really good; really natural. I found myself at night - watching episodes of old sitcoms that I watched as a kid (Still Standing - I love the parents on that show; I didn’t think that I would find myself relating to them so much now; and some Reba). I put up my Christmas tree earlier this week too - it’s tiny and cute. Also, this is coming from the person who voiced her very strong feelings of being over Christmas earlier this month - I literally said that it’s not that I don’t like Christmas; I just feel like my joy in experiencing it has been wrung dry you know - there’s no more authentic life in it. Cut to a couple weeks later - I’m in my room and suddenly feel the urge to play some music (my own version of Christmas music - some Whitney Houston and Celine Dion and Brian McKnight); make a hot cup of coffee; and to put up my little Christmas tree. And I can’t tell you how happy that made me feel - that I wanted to do it, you know. After my declaration against Christmas - I must admit that I do feel an inkling; a bit more of an inkling of the Christmas spirit - just feeling that quiet warmth in the air - but that’s just between you and me.
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
