Lately, I find myself more inspired to write during these moments; those days where I would normally retreat and recoil within myself.
I feel it to be somewhat of an en-lightening experience for me - I guess I felt that this ‘part of me’ felt unsolvable; insurmountable; too cluttered and too complicated and messy to ever find a way out of it.
The ‘part of me’ that felt so tightly retreated to itself; so wound up within itself; unwilling to be touched upon in any way.
The ‘part of me’ that while I experienced it … it was still inaccessible to me.
And now, now it feels that it is somewhat opening itself up to me … now it feels that its Eyes have opened for the very first time. Eyes that have been closed shut - unable to see anything … just entirely lost and consumed by itself. Eyes that have not been pried open … but Eyes that have opened on its own. I can’t help but feel a strong and quiet sense of bravery emanating from this part of me - willing and ready to take a look around, see what’s out there.
It feels like realizing that there is a soft relief that is unwinding inside of me - now that this ‘part of me’ is no longer so intensely withdrawn from me. It feels like I am no longer holding in this ‘part of me’.
It’s the ‘part of me’ that’s been quietly on play in the background - and no one else could hear it.
& What exactly is this ‘part of me’?
It feels almost detrimental to feel it enough; to focus on it enough to express it into words …
It is the ‘part of me’ that feels heavily and intensely weighed down by my past - that I can barely call it a past because it still lives so vividly within my now; quietly dancing around in the background of my days.
It is the ‘part of me’ that is so tightly clutched on to this past. I can feel the intensity with which I have gripped onto it.
It is the ‘part of me’ that is so stuck there; constantly wanting/ needing to make amends with my past.
The ‘part of me’ that is constantly apologizing for taking up too much space; for breathing too loud; for existing too much.
The ‘part of me’ that feels so quietly riddled with guilt; with shame; riddled with the guilt of just wanting/ needing to be myself and seeing that who I was, wasn’t wanted/ needed.
The ‘part of me’ that is constantly shrinking as the Eyes of the Past constantly look upon me.
The ‘part of me’ that feels that I am constantly in the wrong/ doing the wrong thing/ being the wrong thing. The ‘part of me’ that quietly flinches just anticipating being reprimanded for my wrongs.
The Eyes of my Past are looking anxiously to break into my new future … for to break into my new future would bring me the utmost relief … no longer holding my breath … no longer feeling a wicked suspense constantly hovering over me … where the Air is Still and the Silence carries an ever anxious atmosphere … pulsating with an incoming make or break moment.
See, it’s one thing to move forward; to leap ahead; but it’s another thing to feel your past constantly chasing you to get to your future. Part of you feels like you cannot ever slow down until you get there - and you feel the hardness of it; like you would be punished for slowing down; for wanting to slow down. It’s a lot; a lot of what I’ve been quietly feeling - that quiet background music that no one else can hear.
I feel that for the most part, I’ve kept this ‘part of myself’ deeply hidden within my inner world. I allow myself to feel varying degrees of intensity of it but never fully being honest with myself to acknowledge how stressed I feel; how scared and anxious I feel; how disappointed I feel within myself at times.
I guess I felt that focusing on it/ magnifying it too much - it would consume me and my life.
But lately, within these past couple of weeks - it’s all slowed down and this ‘part of me’ has quietly taken center stage. Honestly, I feel a sense of happiness and relief that it has taken center stage. It’s just time, it’s just time for me to let it … to let it; to not feel so heavily and tightly bound to it.
The background music … insidious tunes … constantly building up this suspense that my past is going to completely devour me one day; in one moment; because I haven’t broken into my new future. My past will have me before my future can get the chance to have me - overall that is what this ‘part of me’ feels like.
I guess that’s why I feel like recoiling within myself sometimes - that fear intensifies sometimes and it’s a world that has felt uncontrollable; too big for me to ever overcome; and so, I just zone out at times because it all gets to be a little too much. Needless to say, in those moments, there is quiet panic that I am not quite where I want to be/ where I need to be and I am being swallowed up by this quiet tsunami. And more than feeling lost, I feel defeated, that I lost. Sometimes, the panic makes me reach out into my now - wanting to grab hold of something real; of something stable and solid; and more often than not - in those moments, whatever I’ve grabbed onto - falls through my grasp so easily.
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
