You know, I value my blog as a medium for my self-expression - being able to bring to life through my words the clarity that I experience on a day to day basis. It’s like what I am experiencing so intensely and intimately and personally within my life; within my heart - I know that it is connected to the heart of humanity; that on some level there are things that we are all working through within ourselves - to see and understand ourselves more clearly. 

Sometimes, I see that there are many layers of internalizing clarity of Self. See, there is a part of me that has fully internalized the innate complete-ness of who I am; the part of me that does not ponder upon worth or value of self or proving myself because such things are unquestionable in the Eyes of the Soul and Source of Who I am. We are Creations of the Divine; of the Absolute; live-ing, breathing creations of the Absolute. 

But then there is the part of me that has lived with another Story that contradicts my Nature; my Innate Nature. A Story that cannot continue to perpetuate itself in my Life as I embody further and deeper and with greater clarity - my Innate Truth. The Story becomes less of a contradiction and more of an opportunity to clarify itself; to bring New Light and New Life to me. 

I think it is a little hard for me to Face this Story as it feels so personal; beyond personal - it just feels like something I’ve never allowed myself to dive into; to explore; to feel; to express. So here goes …

I feel passionately about the World of Self-Expression that I have created - it is endless and continuously pouring out of me on so many levels. I’ve made myself vulnerable to the Heart of Humanity - allowing myself open access to all layers of my Heart as a result. I won’t hesitate to create something of it - that which brings relief to the Soul; light to the darkness of the Heart. I won’t hesitate because it comes alive within me so intensely and with such ease - I can see it; I can feel it - so why would I ever make waste of such a Grand Gesture of Grace that endlessly offers itself onto me. It is an integral part of who I am and how I experience my Life on a day to day basis. 

And yet there is a part of me - that wakes up every day just waiting for that moment where I have my ‘breakthrough’ of success; waiting for that moment where I have a solid audience that connects to my blog; waiting for that moments where I have clients buying my paintings … waiting for that moment where I have “solid proof of my success”. Waking up everyday, feeling like a part of me is constantly holding my breath waiting for that moment. I can’t help but feel that this stifles a part of me. I’ve created a World of Wealth of Know-ledge but it is silently belittled by these stories - that it is only fully validated when I am financially successful … then and only then will I feel my worth and see my value as a human being living my life. Only then I can breathe a sigh of relief. How absurd a story to live in! 

And yet, I don’t know how I’m letting go of this one … but I will. 

I guess it is worth pondering the part of me that questions her worth; her value; the part of me that is needing to prove herself. I hate it you know, feeling this - because it hurts me that my Heart has been quietly harboring these stories. But I have to ask the question - “Why, Why do I feel the need to have solid proof of my success?; Why do I feel the need to prove myself?; Why does having solid proof of my success suddenly catapult me into the hands of my value; of my worth?; Why does it feel so intense, a matter of life or death sometimes, like I’m hanging by a thread?”

I’m afraid of the answer … 

And yet, the answer is simple isn’t it … Love … Acceptance. I needed that ‘proof’ to feel loved; to feel accepted; to prove that I am worthy of my existence; to prove that I am of value to life. 

I needed ‘proof’? I needed to prove to myself that I am loved; that I am worthy of love; that I am worthy of being loved; that I am valuable enough to be loved? 

I guess it makes sense right - at some point, if you don’t feel loved, you begin to question why? What’s wrong with you? What can I do to fix this? And you come up with a plan … if you do this, this and this and accomplish all of ‘this’ … then, then you will be loved. 

I guess those moments kickstart something in you that leads you to something greater - but the story comes full circle and begins to mend itself in all the ways that it needs to be mended. 

It’s not easy, you know, moments like these - it’s like slowly and gradually seeing a part of you that was hurting; that has been hurting all this time, but you’re just seeing it now. 

How innocent and tender and pure is the heart - that it would fight the World and raise Hell to be loved again; to find its way back to love again. How adamantly the Heart knows it needs Love to truly Live and would concoct all sorts of Ways to find its way back to that Love again and again and again. How stubborn and defiant the Heart is to see its Way through till the very end. 

I feel that this has been one of my most personal stories to face thus far in my life - I can feel the raw-ness of my heart hurting as I write this. I feel that great caution must be taken with the Heart - do not let trivial stories invade it too deeply - for it feels all and everything - nothing gets by it! 

In my last post, I talked a bit about the misconceptions of my heart and I feel that this story is one such misconception. Sometimes, you don’t realize that these stories are running freely in your heart - sometimes dampening your spirit without you realizing. But I feel that the more that you know yourself, you begin to see the cracks in stories like these. 

You begin to see the cracks in these stories and you begin to bring a bit more of your light into your heart; into your world; into this life. 

I guess I feel a bit more free now - feeling that my external success is no longer tied to me being loved; feeling accepted. It’s been a ride - a rollercoaster - a tornado of emotions (and I get nauseous really easily, guys) but I know now that I am loved as I am; I know now that I am accepted as I am. 

I know now that I am loved as I am; 

I know now that I am accepted as I am.

How simple are the demands of the Heart? And how tormented it feels, when it begins to believe that its simple demands cannot be met. And how light it feels once more, when it begins to see itself once more in its true nature. 

I’m probably going off on a bit of a tangent now, but lately I feel that I can’t trust everything that I feel and honestly that feels really good. And a lot of what I can’t trust anymore is the heavy distrust that has quietly been weighing on my heart. The scales must always be balanced - and if I spent a great deal of time - experiencing my innate discernment and placing boundaries to protect the things that matter a great deal to me … then, there comes a time where I must allow myself to trust in the good things; where boundaries and barriers must be removed to let in the goodness of Life; where trust be free flowing to allow Life to fully and freely know my heart once more; to know me. 

So I’d say lately that’s been the theme - clearing up the misconceptions; clearing out the heavy distrust that’s been weighing me down. I feel lighter; more free; more at Home; more at Peace; more happy; more settled; more supported … more alive. 

Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan