Lighter … I feel a new lightness …
I feel that over the past couple of months, every time I sat to write - I was untying all these knots within me. And as these knots untied, all these emotions were pouring out of me.
And now, I feel an entirely new sense of light-ness within me - like ALL the knots have been untied. All the knots have been untied and I feel this real happiness revealing itself to me. In some ways, it feels like I am now wearing a smile upon my heart that I’ve never known before.
I feel that I haven’t written for a while - maybe bits and pieces, here and there, over the past couple of weeks, that I have kept for myself.
It feels different - significantly different sitting to write today. I feel ‘unexpectedly’ lighter and clearer. I’ve been moving in the depths of these really heavy emotions that part of me assumed that when I started to write - I would feel it pouring out of me.
Instead, I no longer feel like that person who once experienced those emotions embedded within her identity; within her sense of self. Such is the humor of life, that I got accustomed to these ‘not so good feeling’ emotions - the familiarity of it all. I can feel my Heart pulling to resurrect these familiar emotions … but it’s not there anymore.
In the midst of the STORM of emotions - burrowing through to find my way out - I ended up here - feeling and becoming someone that is so brand new and fresh to me - that I still can’t quite put it into words.
In those little notes to myself over the past couple of weeks - I’ve written about the multitude of old definitions of myself; of life; of just everything that I’ve left behind. I’ve written about not having the ‘space’ anymore for ‘serious and heavy’ stories that have been on an endless loop inside of my heart. An endless loop - and yet I feel that you can pass through what seems to be a loop many times, exhaustingly endless times - something changes each time - something new comes of it. See, the loop may seem endless - but there’s a multitude of changes constantly taking place to create something new - to bring about changes to your story - the story is always destined to change.
I feel the weight of these stories - the EMOTIONAL TORNADO - of the STORIES dissolving! … that they have dissolved!
Bare with me, in this post, as I try to put together and express the multitude of experiences over these past couple of weeks that have and continue to carry me along a path - of experiencing more deeply the ‘real-ness’ of who I am.
Lately, I feel that I’ve been ‘getting things wrong’ … that there is a part of me that has seen things not as they are. More often than not, when someone says this, it alludes to seeing a dark truth that was not seen prior but as is my life and story, it is the opposite. I feel that there is part of me that has seen heaviness in light things; darkness in good things - there is a part of me that has been perpetuating these untrue stories inside of my heart. And I can’t help but feel as I feel. I can’t help the way that my heart feels - sees things.
But I feel lately … that Life is slowly and gently clearing up the misconceptions of my heart.
It’s like my heart has been dead-set on these misconceptions - and yet my Heart is both delighted and relieved to be proven wrong.
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
