PRESENT
I feel that this past year I have been locked into the present moment - in a Way that it feels like it was energetically pre-paved for me by my Soul.
While in many Ways, it felt like I could not catch a break; I couldn’t hold on to a feeling; to any one experience for too long - it was consistent in its fleeting and temporary nature.
My focus was to create an experience where I primarily felt ‘the lightness of my spirit; the lightness of my Life’ - but the more I experienced these plethora of constantly in motion energies - I held less tightly to this focus.
It brings me to a realization now that I have to re-define my journey; re-define how I see myself; how I see my Life; my Inner Compass. Re-defining my journey based on this plethora of new experiences.
I think that in the midst of what felt like getting swept up in a tornado of unique energetic experiences catered to my Life now - I quietly held to a linear focus of what I was working towards creating and establishing in my life - with my Art; with my Blog Posts. I quietly held to this linear focus so that in the midst of these ‘intensely moving’ experiences, I could feel connected to myself; to the heart of my Life. I think loosely holding this vision helped me to feel grounded within myself.
Honestly speaking, I love being in the ‘tornado’; in my ‘tornado’. The Way I am so intensely swept up in a moment of experiencing a new layer of ENERGY unraveling itself inside of me - where my passion allows me to live every moment of it. I felt that I was constantly getting to experience all these variations of my energy.
I like describing it as a layer of ENERGY - as there is no uniformity for the experience. I could not define the energy as one thing or several things - because it reveals itself in its own way; on its own terms.
See, I can experience a BRAND NEW connection to myself - where the Gaze of my Soul and my Gaze become ONE. I feel it solidified within me in such a Way that it cannot denied within my being. I feel that this, this is the Power of Bringing the Grace of Perspective to Life.
One such experience, I was immersed in these daily visions - the energetics of which gave LIFE to a RENEWED sense of experiencing of pure love for my body; that this body, itself is the expression of the Existence’s Love for ItSelf.
It was the unfoldment of the culmination of my existence experiencing itself so purely ALIVE - my body recognizing itself; its true nature. This was more than a moment of ecstasy of connection - my Body was/ is completely at HOME within ItSelf.
The Body of my Being and all that it encompasses feeling at Ease within ItSelf.
I think in a LOT OF WAYS, we have become a little too desensitized to the narrative we hold with our bodies - what feels like ‘normal, everyday’ conversations about our bodies - is hurt-full and disrespectful to our own Existence; to the Source of our Existence. I know that these conversations never feel good to our hearts but they continue to perpetuate themselves out of an ugly comfort that we have gotten too accustomed to.
It is surpassing all the possibilities of seeing ourselves through the Eyes of Our Creator; of experiencing ourselves through the Eyes of our Soul and instead digging through trash to berate and be derogatory to the Sanctity of our Existence.
I know that it is hard to fight narratives like this - sometimes we run on auto-pilot even if it is detrimental to our sense of selves. But maybe instead, we give ourselves the chance to succumb quietly to the goodness of our selves that our Heart is constantly speaking over us. Then maybe the narrative will begin to sting a bit less because you would have begun to feel an inkling of the Absolute Truth of the Beauty of your own existence.
I guess what I am trying to say is that this isn’t a pep talk, this is You honoring the TRUTH and the SANCTITY of YOUR EXISTENCE!
PRESENT MOMENT
Writing helps me to hear more distinctly all the quiet whisperings in my being.
Between yesterday and today, I have just felt exhausted - my tired is tired; my depressed is depressed, you know. In moments like these I feel so uprooted from my core - that suddenly I am quietly trying to land somewhere where I feel settled and at ease within myself.
Moments like these, I usually try to burrow my way out of it - but this past year - I’ve learnt that there is something in everything for me; I don’t need to burrow my way out of it. I can just experience it intimately - feel it connected to me.
It feels like a lot of things culminating at once within my energy - seemingly small things and obviously bigger things that mean a lot to me.
I think I have been in such a flow these past couple of months - learning and adapting to the plethora of these unique energetic experiences flowing through all levels and layers of my being. I learnt to take care of myself - how to navigate my day to day life - so that I could fully be present and experience all the clarity unfolding; while at the same time being present within myself throughout my day. I fell into a routine where I felt supported and nurtured.
Within these past two days, I guess I feel myself ‘taking a break’ from that routine. It’s like my soul is saying it’s okay if things are messy; it’s okay if you feel that you’re doing things out of order. It’s okay if you’re feeling things are up in the air and feeling a little unsettled. It’s okay if you don’t quite understand everything that’s going on.
I had a really hard moment last night - I felt so exhausted and I was scared because I didn’t have the energy to soothe or comfort myself. I don’t know why that bothered me so much - or may be I do. I guess it is because this past year I was intricately an integral part of all layers of my growth. I was feeling it all; processing it all; finding ways to express it all; sensing endings within these narratives of growth and moving forward into new energies of growth. I just naturally got so accustomed to the whole ‘routine’, that when I could not summon my own energy to comfort myself last night - I’ve never really felt it like that.
It was a moment where I quietly prayed for God’s help - to soothe me; to comfort me; to put me at ease.
Everything has been new lately … this past year. The experiencing of all the layers of my ascension; of my life; of me - it has all felt new and continue to feel new. Yes, I’ve flowed in a routine that catered to these new experiences but those moments throughout the day when I feel the tides shifting and not knowing exactly how they’re shifting can be a bit/ a lot unsettling at times.
On the flip side of that perspective, to pause for a moment in the midst of all the experiences - I can see and acknowledge that all of it - is divinely curated; divinely curated for me to experience. I am intimately connected to God; to the Absolute - so in allowing myself to see the ‘bigger picture’ - it allows me to feel a bit more at ease in the midst of feeling unsettled.
Being so intimately integral to my personal ascension - it allows me to see my STRENGTH as the God that I am; the more I experience that STRENGTH the more I embody it; the more it has become an innate part of me; showing myself again and again and again what I am capable of.
Being so intimately integral to my personal ascension - it allows me to experience an ever expanding deeper connection to the Absolute; to the Source of my Existence. I can feel all of it - the exhaustion; the depression; the unsettled/ ungrounded feelings; the uncertainty - I can feel it but embedded within me is the strength of the tie between my soul and the source of its creation.
It feels like the Hands of the Creator personally weaving the threads of my journey.
Duality?
I feel that this year I’ve been experiencing a completely different aspect of myself. For the previous years - I felt certainty and decisiveness and absolutes and truths an integral part of who I am and I feel that it created and solidified a sense of self that was of my Soul Nature.
This year, the theme changed - and my heart didn’t feel decisive anymore. Instead, my heart felt much more flexible - all these latent parts of my heart were coming to life. Things felt less and less ‘good/ bad’; ‘right/ wrong’; ‘yes/ no’ and more and more of it’s just an experience. I guess in a lot of ways, I’ve been made significantly lighter by the clarity of these experiences - as holding less tightly to decisive ultimatums - means that I’ve been holding on to a lot less.
I guess in more ways than one - this year, my heart freed itself - again and again and again by just allowing itself to exist as is in the moment.
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
(Dec 16, 2024)
