I miss my care-free Spirit - that once felt like such an innate and natural part of who I am.

It’s been a while since I’ve caught wind of anything close to Her.

I realized how unique and beauty-full She was - care-free and absolutely connected to Her Heart. I believe it to be a rare and unique combination that creates a color-full and visceral life experience.

To some extent, I have been care-free … but the care-free that comes from a hurting heart on its way to healing into its fullness again … where I didn’t have the capacity or the energy or the reserves to care.

It’s a care-free where your heart does whatever it takes to feel like ItSelf again; to feel at Home again!

But my care-free spirit disappeared for some time and I became a human that ‘cared’ about everything; just hyperfocused on everything. I could not let a single detail of my Life go by without seeing it; processing it; reacting to it; and then dissecting my reaction … every day and all the time!

As though Life held on to my face, looked me dead in the Eyes and refused to let go of this Gaze without making sure that I saw everything.

(A thought while writing - after all of this - nothing makes me feel more at Home than writing in my journal … pen in my hand … my own thoughts … some cool breeze … good music and an iced coffee!)

I was a carefree spirit eager to live life and suddenly I found myself wanting to retire to my coffin like Alucard in Castlevania and my less dramatic; more probable means of escape - a cottage by the Lake because I craved the uninterrupted Silence. I felt an urgency to have an atmosphere of Pure Serenity.

I felt it intensely and I didn’t convince myself that I needed to feel otherwise because whatever my Heart was feeling at the time - it was telling me that it needed … craved peace; solace; serenity.

With time … with Grace … this feeling has faded … still making its appearance from time to time. But as the intensity of the need to retreat from the World softened … another feeling naturally came to Life. The kind of feeling borne of Pure Love - no matter how I feel; how lost and torn apart I feel; how heavenly and blissful I feel and everything else in between - I belong to this World. I belong to this Life. I want all of me; all and everything that I am to be Here - to Live Here - all and everything of me!

The whole thing feels like a declaration of Love from my Soul that my Heart was not just ready to hear but to WEAR fully this declaration of LOVE.

But what of this World - made me so desperate to seek absolute solace in my solitude?

Its people … its humans and their capacity to hurt You; to break You; to betray You; to hate You; to abandon You … needless to say when people make use of their potential in this way - its natural to lose your fondness of them …

So much of Life and so much of living; so much of what connects us to Life is each other. When I felt how heavy I was hurting - it makes sense that I wanted to be away from everyone and everything. I felt disconnected from people and from life … my zest for life and living was drained from me.

I felt this HEIGHTENED SENSITIVITY to the Ways in which we disconnect from each other - the hate; the blind rage; the bitterness; the paranois; the cynicism; the hardness. It felt like ALARM BELLS going off inside me constantly - I couldn’t not hear it … it was LOUD … consistently LOUD!

As days … weeks … months went by … my Heart was telling me that it was ready to reconnect again; that it needed to reconnect again.

I didn’t anticipate that ‘re-connecting’ would feel so scary; almost feeling my Heart paralyzed to re-connect again!

It’s been full of over - over-thinking; over-feeling; over-analyzing and giving myself the Grace to just allow those moments where I’m questioning everything about everything because my Heart just feels terrified. Sometimes it’s giving myself the most passionate, jsutified and reliable reasons as to why my Heart shouldn’t reconnect … as to why my Heart isn’t ready as yet. Because what if I show myself to the World again; reconnect my Heart to Its People - and it crushed me again … because part of me still feels easily breakable.

I allow it all because I feel my Soul more than just leading me along the Way … I see how it has quite lieterally PAVED the Way of Life that I am live-ing.

I noticed it … very quietly at first … feeling the Hands of the Grace of my Soul bring me RELIEF. But then it never stopped and that’s when I not only realized but also I had to acknowledge the intricate beauty of the unfolding; of the experience ItSelf.

I had to re-define my whole life experience which is where I met the stubborness of part of my human nature - there was my Soul; my higher nature defining my path and then there was my human nature that clung to its prior passionate deinitions of CONTROL.

I feel that there was the part of me that quickly noticed all the Ways my Soul was present with me … how deeply paved my most fulfilling and satisfying and pleasurabel Way of Life was for me.

So back to Re-Connecting … and how crazy and confusing it’s been! I am eager to let go of this phase of disconnection - to feel Lighter within myself and within this Life again!

… I don’t want to go back to being that ‘care-free spirit’ … honestly, this whole experience of disconnecting & reconnecting has allowed me to feel my Presence in Life in a Way that I’ve never felt before.

I used to feel like a Wanderer - not quite aimless; I was constantly trying to plant my feet on the ground but I could never quite stay there; never able to catch hold of something that felt real, that felt that it was ALIVE with my essence in some way; I was constantly trying to be seen but only ever had temporary or empty gazes upon me - nothing felt REAL to me … SOLID within me.

But now after first experienicng the depths of DIS-CONNECTION and then slowly being led into the waters of RE-CONNECTION - my PRESENCE in my LIFE feels REAL … feels SOLID. In some ways, it feels like Life’s soft and intimate declaration of Love for me - honoring MY PRESENCE; honoring my willingness to SHOW UP & SHOW OUT. I feel so held by Life in a Way I’ve never anticipated feeling … SOLID & REAL you know … that it has me … all of me under its wing!

What a journey this Life has been - to go from wandering through Life as a care-free spirit to now entering this new era of my life - of feeling so at Home Here!

Bismillah!

Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan