Frozen
Sometimes, I have moments like these - where quiet and insidious overwhelm brims to the surface and I feel frozen. Frozen to write; frozen to share; FROZEN.
Bare with me as I write - allowing the space of overwhelm to breathe within me. I am feeling so many things quietly and part of me wants to stop writing and just ‘zone out’ - but I don’t want to; not now; not this time.
There is so much that I want to express; that I need to express for myself.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt this so intensely and part of me knows why this is surfacing so evidently within my energy today.
I’ve been HARD on myself; I’ve held such a RIGIDITY within myself and lately these energies have been falling away within me.
I’ve been seeing a new softness and a natural flexibility erupting gently within my consciousness.
Maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me to write about his hardness - the more I am mySelf; the more I am of my God Self; looking through the Eyes of my God Self - I feel how unnatural and harsh this hardness is. It stings you know, feeling the harshness so clearly.
Yes, I feel how harsh the hardness is; how unnatural; how unnecessary it is - but when you’ve been your soft self and have it treated as weakness; you innately learn to mask your softness with a hard shell. When you’ve blissfully and purely flowed and have it constantly met with pillars halting the flow - you begin to spend more time learning how to protect your flow rather than enjoying the ride of it; you spend more time nurturing a hurting heart - because it doesn’t understand how something so easy; so natural to it - just flowing; just flowing in its pure nature - has come against this consistent obstruction.
It feels cruel to create an overflow of Expression of Self and in my quietly lurking fears, I unintentionally strangle freedom into rigidity.
Sometimes, it just feels like - to protect the sanctity of what I created; of what I am creating - I unintentionally stifle it.
This resounding harshness that I feel within my energy today - this hardness; this rigidity feels part of my old story - of wanting to BE enough; of needing to BE enough; where I felt that I had to solidify my ‘enough-ness’ to justify my being here; to justify my existence; to give me permission to finally be myself!
It hurts … it hurts my heart knowing that I have been unconsciously acting from this story at times.
The human spirit borne of PURE DIVINITY - how has it convinced ItSelf that it isn’t enough?
How did I convince myself that I was not enough and even worse - that I needed to find a way to be enough. How cruel and detrimental it is to impose such a task on the human spirit.
… I’ve had enough of this, you know …
I don’t feel quite as ‘frozen’ as I did at the beginning, but it is still lingering a bit.
It’s the way that in the quiet corners of the day - these stories linger. There are moments where I haven’t felt like I was enough for myself - when it came to taking care of myself; feeling insufficient at times. Almost wilfully pointing it out to myself - these are all the ways that you aren’t enough.
And it hurts, it hurts because I know the layers with which I care for all levels of my being; and I am keenly aware of all the ways my God takes care of me. So, to perpetuate such a story doesn’t bode well with my heart.
And part of it stems from another story of mine - that for a long time on some level, it has been part of my internal narrative - Am I doing it right or wrong?
See, in my journey of experiencing my relationship with God - initially I felt my Heart just wanting to surrender itself entirely to God, and the surrender itself felt so wonderful. I unraveled within mySelf - my Truth; my Unique Truth and how it expressed itself in all these wonderful ways. And somewhere along the way - I felt this intense need to honor the sanctity of what was flowing through me so endlessly … needless to say, in my human nature, that translated to I need to get it right, which effortlessly translates into I can’t get it wrong.
The whole thing gets a bit messy you know, because this story can get lost in the midst of the passion that I was feeling so intensely about the energies of my Soul that was and is free flowing within me. It can get lost, but it was always there somewhere.
Sitting here, writing it, it is plain to see that this narrative is not who I am. See, there is no way God is constantly telling me - Chelsea, you NEED to get this right, Chelsea, you are getting this HORRIBLY wrong. No, no, no - that was a story that I started to believe in and perpetuate within my reality.
Somewhere, along the Way the Waters became so muddy
And Now
There is a feeling sprung forth from me
That the Waters
Are Being Purified; Sanctified;
Flowing directly and solely from the PURE SOURCE of HER DIVINITY
Once More.
There’s the
I need to become enough
And
The underlying
Am I doing this right
Am I messing it all up
And
Then, then there is this lurking and lingering feeling that something is always in the way of me just letting myself be; of me just relaxing into the innate goodness of who I am.
There is this fear, that I cannot stay comfortably in that feeling of love inside of my heart; I cannot stay soaking in the ease within my body; I cannot relax into the feeling of my DIVINITY glowing within me.
I cannot stay; I have to flee and only ever fleeing because I have grown accustomed to letting in distractions and interruptions that tell me again and again and again that I cannot stay where I am; I cannot stay where I belong; I cannot stay inside of my Heart - where everything is ALIVE!
I feel that I have battled these interruptions and distractions - constantly knocking at my door; constantly staring into my Eyes threatening me that my Soul will never belong entirely to myself.
But isn’t it a little funny, the stories of human nature - for See, I belong to my Soul and my Soul is not at Tug-of-War trying to keep me tethered to it.
We can be people pleasers and doormats and sacrificial lambs
But we will always belong to our Souls
We will always belong to the Soul and Source of who we are
Though the World can appear to take bits and pieces of us
Even entireties of us
They do so only in utter unawareness that they too are of their Souls; they too are of the Absolute
Maybe I have over-given at times
More detrimental to my spirit
Maybe I have over-given in moments where my Heart was empty
Absolutely empty
Maybe part of me believed that I needed to sacrifice part of who I am to keep being who I am
Maybe so,
But the Story can always change
A New Story can always be written!
I’ve been really hard on myself - holding rigid stories within my heart; telling myself that I am nowhere close to where I need to be/ to where I want to be.
It’s such a common theme lately to express all these stories out loud and to feel how each and every one of them hurts my heart. See, I know that my Soul’s narrative is nowhere near along the lines of - Chelsea you’re so far away from everything that you need/ everything that you want. It isn’t something that I know to be true within myself - I see it to be a worn out narrative of human nature.
It flows off one of my prior stories you know - I am nowhere close to where I need to be because I haven’t solidified my ‘enough-ness’ you know.
How ridiculous are these stories when I exist in my true and absolute nature now; when I am alive and experiencing my true and absolute now.
Needless to say, these stories have run their course in my experience; they have been running rampant for too long.
See, on some level while part of me has been holding on to wanting to feel like I am enough; needing to be enough; of being absolutely terrified that I am getting it all wrong; of being paranoid about letting go and just resting completely into myself …
My True Self, My Absolute Self - who I know myself to be is not consoling these stories within me; assuring me that I am enough or that I am not getting it all wrong and I’ll figure it out or assuring me that it is okay to be myself.
Rather,
As the Human Self experiences its internal lights being switched on;
It innately remembers who It Is;
Lights On,
The Human Self recognizes its Innate Autonomy;
The Human Self recognizes its Innate Abilities as a Creator;
That it is not fallible to stories, rather it Creates of ItSelf to experience of ItSelf;
The Human Self recognizes its Innate God Nature;
And asks ItSelf,
“What God walks around wanting to be enough;
What God walks around in fear of its own Creations;
What God walks Its Own Path in fear of Being ItSelf;”
And so the Human Self recognizes
The Natural Solidity of Its Presence
The Human Self takes pride and great honor
In the Creations of Its Unique Power
The Human Self knows that this is
The World of the Absolute
And
All Its Inhabitants are of the Absolute
CREATED TO BE SEEN
CREATED TO EXIST!
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
