Pressure
The confrontations haven’t ceased - but they feel more and more intimate. Where it feels sometimes that I’m seeing things through the eyes of my Soul, it feels like I am seeing it directly with my eyes; feeling it directly through my Heart.
What that means for me, is that sometimes right before I fall asleep, like last night, the confrontation quietly sneaks up on me. I have to say though that in the midst of these confrontations by my soul, I feel good; I feel clear; I feel a lot more at ease. The substance of the confrontations are sometimes heavy, really heavy - but they feel less and less attached to me.
So last night, I felt how hard I have been on myself - how quietly I was pushing and pushing and pushing myself. I felt how quietly my energy was harshly nudging me constantly - keep going; keep going; you can’t stop; you can’t stay still; you can’t stop moving; we have to keep going until we get there.
But, when I’ve looked at how I focus in my day to day life - while there are times when I act from this hardness - more often than not, I move in my own flow - feeling when I need to connect with my stillness; with my body; with my creativity; with my joy; with my passion; with some lingering sadness. I realized that this energy of hardness/ harshness was an old story that was still lingering around.
More often than not, I move in my own energy of ease and I can feel that I am seeing for myself how obsolete the hardness/ harshness becomes, when I’m doing the same things but the experience is much lighter; my quality of life is significantly more satisfying; more enriching … and A LOT MORE kind.
Human Nature has the capacity to take something so divine, so pure, so magical, so pure, so free - and squash it into some form of conformity, but it also has the capacity to take the very thing and create Structures which allows these Creations to thrive and exist.
Everyday, Clarity flows through me - all the time, there are moments, where I catch myself and I’m like Chelsea, we don't need to make everything into something, you know. Maybe there is some of my innate excitement and passion for the energy that is flowing but then there is trying to make something out of everything to ensure that I don’t miss out on any important clarity - and that’s where that hardness comes in. Where I disconnect from Chelsea and instead treat myself as a machine spouting information. (It’s giving Chatgpt a little)
That’s when my human nature has the opportunity to come in to create Structure for this Clarity - that allows it to breathe freely; that prioritizes my well being; that makes use of my discernment.
See, a friend of mine told me to treat life daily (very reminiscent of taking it one day at a time, I know). But treating life daily feels a little different - it feels like allowing the fullness of life to flow into my day. See, sometimes I feel SO MUCH PRESSURE on what to create today, now; on how much to create today, now - I start thinking about all the clarity that has been unfolding; all the different themes; all the ones that I want to complete; meanwhile there’s new clarity and energy unraveling now; and there are things that I need to write that feels pertinent to me here and now.
And the thing is that I write, I create something here and now easily, naturally - it’s the PRESSURE that I put on myself and on my day that isn’t necessary and I’m not moving forward with that energy anymore. It’s an energy that I feel on some level, but it’s not the energy that I act from everyday which indicates that I’m just suffering needlessly you know.
I felt all the PRESSURE that I was quietly building up within myself when it comes to my work - I was looking at so many things outside of my Self; outside of my guidance - unnecessarily complicating things. See, everything in my Life thus far has taught me of the innate unique nature of my journey and of my own experience and I am realizing that my Work flows from that unique energy of who I am.
Some of that PRESSURE comes from the parameters with which we determine success and happiness and it’s a wicked thing - illusion, because your cup can be well overflowing and the world can make it feel like your cup is empty, even worse - that your cup is shattered so how the hell are you going to even begin to full it up, you know. But I know that I can’t focus on filling up a cup, that doesn’t know how to fill my heart up. This is something my heart is still trying to find true peace with - it ebbs and flows. There are some days when I see the fullness and complete-ness of who I am - I feel the depth of the beauty of who I am and what my Life embodies; when I embody the full picture; where I see as my Soul sees; where I am effortlessly trusting the flow of my life. Then there are some days when that old mindset wants to be at ease - which I get you know, it just means that I’m going back and forth, and my heart wants to be fully at ease.
In my old mindset - it’s like I am telling this story where I am tied to my past and I am wanting/ needing to break free of it. I am dragging these old stories of my past into my Life, now. The thing is I don’t even actually see a semblance of myself in this old mindset.
I started to Put so much PRESSURE on my work and my old narratives got caught up in the mix of it all and I started to lose sight of WHO I REALLY AM.
I was just focused on this flow forward - of clarity constantly flowing; of bringing it to life; that it was going to snowball into something as I continued in the flow - which at the time - this flow was in alignment with my experience. But now, a lot has changed, so much has changed. I see myself, I see my Life more clearly now - I understand who I am a lot more deeply now. I can see the THEMES that matter a great deal to who I am and to my life very clearly.
And now, now I just need to STOP; not just pause - I need to STOP moving in this flow. I need to stop completely.
I need to stop completely - because somewhere along the way - the flow became chaotic in the sense that muddied waters flowed into the clear waters. The chaotic flow was inevitable and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Along the way, I know distinctly what swimming in those muddy waters feel like and I know what flowing in those clear waters feel like. It becomes easy to see the mud that’s making it heavy and difficult to move and I understand more deeply that I can swim without it. The more I dive into those clear waters - the more it washes the mud away - the safer it feels to let go and just let the mud wash it self away. The focus becomes less about the flow; less about whether the waters are clear or muddy; and more about how the flow and the nature of the waters cleanses my heart.
This Confrontation feels like a quiet showdown between my Soul and my Human Nature. This PRESSURE is more than an old story; it’s more than an old mindset - it’s intricately tied to the Way that I have both seen and experienced myself and my life. This PRESSURE was borne of my innate fight to bring my TRUTH to LIFE. It’s tied to my fight; to my battle. Bringing my truth to life and live-ing in it is a vital source of my happiness. I got swept up in the battle - left happiness behind; and instead I got so accustomed to holding my weapons in hand - my tenacity; my fire; my will. I completely forgot about my happiness and how much it mattered to me. I forgot that it even mattered to me.
When I lay down this PRESSURE, when it is put to REST - I am saying to myself that the battle is done. When I say that the battle is done, I will start putting those weapons down - the tenacity that I lived with in the past; the fires that erupted from within my heart to let me know that there was TRUTH burning within me - that needed to spread; the Will - that felt like the Vitality of the Gods. So saying that this Pressure is to be no more - is saying that a huge part of who I was; a huge part of my experience is no more. And that’s not the easiest thing to accept is it; it’s not the easiest thing to relinquish, is it?
Now, now my Soul is asking me to remember my Happiness; to remember by Inner Heaven.
Now, now my Soul is asking me to remember - that Life is not a battle; that my Life is not a fight.
Now, now my Soul is asking me to relinquish the Hardness of it All; to relinquish it all.
I am relinquishing the battle; the fight; the weapons - all of it; I am relinquishing it
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I am remembering my happiness; I am remembering my Inner Heaven.
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan!
