Life - To be who I am, where I am

Life feels really messy lately. I feel a mess to be honest. In the span of one day, I feel myself pre-occupied by so many different things - never staying too long in one place. 

I can feel how intensely I am trying to make sense of everything and while I’ve made sense of a lot of things - the ‘everything’/ the ‘whole’ still doesn’t make sense to me. There’s that feeling that nothing’s quite put together yet. 

More than that, I find myself changing in unexpected ways. I can’t help but feel that the path I’m walking is so new - that even this moment now, living this moment now is brand new and unfamiliar to my soul. 

Ultimately, I find myself ( … I see that I am ‘finding myself’ ) - making sense of my life. I’d say that I’m trying to understand the reality of my life; the reality of myself. I feel a whole lot lost when it comes to my life. I feel myself set in and a master of my divinity where you lay the foundation so solid that I can grow and explore on it and I am confident in what I have created. On the other hand, my life feels to be quite the opposite. But it makes sense to me, the divinity of who I am has created my life so naturally, my life is being newly explored and lived by me. 

It is a lot and it’s been hard. It’s been confusing. It’s been somewhat thrilling. 

I realize now that I have been walking an entirely new path, completely unbeknownst to me at the time. There was a time where I was constantly trying to go back to ‘myself’ when that very ‘self’ inspired and created this new path for me to walk and explore. 

Now that I think about it, the overarching theme of this whole experience for me is to be who I am, where I am. Every step forward felt quietly thrilling at times - that I was constantly entering uncharted territory of myself. 

In my solitude - in my unique experience of quiet, but loud, communion with the source of who I am - I experienced Freedom within the vastness of my soul; the vastness of my Absolute. I experienced it. I experience it! The Freedom that innately belongs to you. I feel The Way that my Soul breathes - boundless; limitless; ever unfold-ing. This Freedom of Mine; that belongs to me; that is of me - is a unique expression/ reflection of who I am, curated for me to experience it here and now. A Freedom that naturally impacts and seethes into my life; into my daily life. 

I didn’t know it yet, but ‘unpacking’ this Freedom into my life would be a unique experience in and of itself - walking through this uncharted territory. I was unlocking a new expression of this Freedom within myself and you know the most comforting part of all this is - in every moment of exploration; of discovery, it all just ends up feeling like a familiar part of me; like it was there all along inside of me. 

I didn’t know it yet, but ‘unpacking’ this Freedom into my life meant that there would be nothing ‘hidden’; there would be no ‘illusions’. In short, the Freedom of the Absolute; the Freedom of the Soul is devoid of Censoring ItSelf; it is always Seen again and again and again.

Again and again, I see that these paths are obviously intricately curated and designed for my experience - Imagine carving a Slice of Freedom of the Absolute; of the Freedom of my Soul to experience within myself; to experience within my lifetime. It has to be so delicately designed for me to be grounded and anchored here, naturally living and experiencing and exploring it. 

In retrospect, experiencing my Truth; experiencing my Absolute unfolding so intimately within me - my expansion continued. The more I felt this quiet but robust expanding within me, even more quietly what was seething underneath was how contracted I began to feel within my life; within who I was in my day to day life. It makes sense to me now in that the expansion that I experienced so intimately within myself, I had not yet explored and lived it within my life. Of course, I began to feel so stifled. Of course, this expansion had to flow into my life. 

I was alive within this immense ocean of my existence, but I was in a 4 ft deep swimming pool in my life. 

& 

I had to be alive within this immense ocean of my Life.

I had to be alive within this immense ocean of my Life - and it felt both thrilling and terrifying. I felt Life inside of my Heart - inside of my Heart; seeing; wanting to see all of me. I feel it! All of it is completely uncharted territory for me and there is part of me that trembles at times as I am moving another step further. 

It was terrifying and yet I felt it a complete necessity - I needed Life to be deep inside of my Heart seeing all and everything of me, because I couldn’t live any other way. 

My Soul is layed out; My Heart is layed out; 

Pure & Stripped & Bare & Naked; 

The Illusion lies in continually asking more of myself; 

The Illusion lies in continually preaching a lie of lack; that I need to be more; that I need to be different; to do differently. 

The Illusion lies in holding up fake layers of nothingness; devoid of meaning and depth and truth. 

The Illusion lies. 

Today, today I have shattered these Mirrors of Illusion; these deceivingly convincing Mirrors of Illusion; shattered with my very fists; destroyed by the Firmness of my Truth. 

The Truth tells me more of myself; gives unto me more of myself continually to be explored - constantly creating new foundations and new paths; 

The Truth tells of my Pure Whole-ness; tells of the Sanctuary of myself where there is an innate feeling of myself ever unfolding; ever expanding; 

The Truth tells of the many layers of who I am; deep and profound; 

Ultimately, the Truth tells of ItSelf - Its Power; Its Infinite Nature;

The Truth belongs to me; The Truth is innate to me; That which I could not even take away from myself. 

Ultimately, my Power lies in radical acceptance of my Truth; Ultimate Self-Acceptance. 

Ultimate Self-Acceptance.

But Life is something else …

I live with the Soul and Source of who I am flowing through me;

I live with my Heart laid bare 

I live with Absolute Knowing of who I am; alive inside of my Heart;

& 

Yet, 

In the midst of this radical and pure and passionate Ultimate Self Acceptance; 

I have been radically denied and with my Heart laid bare, I felt the full sting of it all. 

I have been radically denied and sometimes it feels like purposefully and intentionally denied; where I felt it seething within Life’s Bones - that it would not accept me; that it would refuse me; refuse to see an inch of who I am; refuse to see even a corner of My Heart; radical refusal. I felt the full sting of it all. 

But Life is something else, I felt the full sting of it all - and yet in the midst of it all - I felt my Heart in ways that I’ve never felt it before. I felt a closeness I never felt prior; a new bond; a new connection formed with my Heart. 

But I have learnt enough times of the Grace of Life; of the Abilities of Life - that if it has the capacity to radically deny me, then it also has the ability to radically accept me … and in time, sure enough, it did. It arrived gently and allowed me to ease into the awareness of its arrival - this radical acceptance; that felt more of a tender acceptance. 

It arrived gently and allowed me to ease into the awareness of its arrival - this radical acceptance; that felt more of a tender acceptance. 

Now, I am in the midst of savoring this tender acceptance. 

Written by: Chelsea Avasa Khan