She Has Cracked Her Codes

May the Sweet Sounds of Serenity reign over these words - Chelsea Avasa Khan

My story is my own. My journey is my own. 

Cracking the ultimate code within myself is acknowledging that I have always been in the knowing. I have never been exempt from the knowing - It speaks to me with an undertone of honor and respect for who I am. 

When I started writing, Lord Shiva, You told me YourSelf that I would be writing poetry and from the very beginning, I saw the divinity of my every word!When these energies started pouring through me, you were right there with me, everyday as though You were exploring my Universe; my Infinite with me. With You, I saw that I was at the Centre of my Infinite - in command, fully immersed in the experience. 

When the energy of this Light switched off - when I felt my Self switch itself off - I felt it. 

I felt this silent conversation with my Soul, I felt this quiet acknowledgement of something we decided on; that it was time … game time. 

I felt it, it was the beginning of exploring the energies of the darkness; of journeying through and through the Halls of these Hells. 

There were a myriad of inspirations that woke me up to taking the experience completely as my own. I felt that I was eating the forbidden fruit in my own paradise and every step forward into it - it was new and ripe and raw and delicious. I went to places that I never thought I would go within myself. 

I felt that I was fighting for God’s Honor; I felt that I was fighting to revive the heart of humanity; I felt that I was fighting for my light. Then, I discovered myself navigating the experience in an entirely new way - I was no longer in a hurry because within the darkness, within the Hell I reached the softest, rawest, most tender part of existence; of humanity; of who we are and suddenly I felt comforted by the darkness. 

I wanted to hold the Heart of Humanity within my Hands and suddenly the Pits of Darkness were holding a tenderness I never knew existed within me. A tenderness that brought me to my knees and I felt these hands reaching for those delicate heart strings within me. 

I realized that you stay in the darkness long enough, you succumb to it, you will meet that which comforts the darkness itself and how powerful is the thing that has the capacity to comfort the darkness itself. It finds its way so deeply inside of you - that when you feel the touch of its comfort, everything in you collapses in its touch, you can’t hold yourself together, it brings you to your own softness, to your own tenderness, to your delicate nature. 

I understood that the Power of Life; the Power of Death; the Power of Creation; the Power of Destruction all lay within the Hearts of Humanity; that the depth of this experience of Life lay within the Heart of Humanity. 

The Heart is ever experiencing itself in some capacity of its own strength - powerfully on, completely disconnected from itself; powerfully on and completely destroyed and reviving itself again; powerfully off and completely resurrected; searching for itself, searching for the sound of itself; finding itself; hearing the sound of itself and recognizing the sound of itself. 

Perhaps, one element of the Darkness that stands out is its constant illusions - illusions that have perpetuated themselves for far too long that one no longer questions its validity. And even so, when the voice of the illusion appears to be your own voice, and you believe everything of it, it is but a small game in the grand scheme of things, of existence. 

The Darkness exhausted me; The Darkness gave me experience of my Innate Power; The Darkness allowed me to exist in all the ways that I was inspired too; The Darkness gave a new voice to me - I was in Hell once before, but this time, this time the tables were turned and I had free reign which allowed me to feel all the things that I never got a chance too in my life. Things that I never longed to feel but that’s the way the Heart of the Absolute cares - it leaves nothing out - even if you have to go to hell to find it, it’s somewhere - all the little bits and pieces of yourself that you never cared to look for, it’s somewhere here in our existence. 

The Darkness gave my Heart a great deal of comfort and rest. It was a sense of rest that came from a new understanding of myself; a deeper understanding of myself. Maybe, I already knew a great deal of who I was before coming into this darkness - but in it, I understood how simply I existed and that I didn’t need to carry with me all the time who I was … I simply existed.

The Darkness softened me a great deal in so many ways. I completely unfolded bit by bit and felt more relaxed. Maybe, I thought It to be heavy and daunting - but in the end it felt similar to ‘my light’, there was a lot to be experienced; a lot to be felt; a lot to explore; a lot to become. 

Life’s a little funny - during those initial moments when my light switched off; when I switched off; it felt like Hell; it felt like I LOST everything and knowing what I had; knowing the Heaven that I held within myself; it felt crude and harsh. But towards the end, when I realized that my time in my Hell was coming to an end, I became so accustomed to the comfort that I unearthed there, that I felt a sadness overcome me. I was not in a hurry to leave as I once thought I would be. 

I viscerally felt the moments when I was ever so softly waking up to myself again and even then it felt like it would be a while before I felt like myself again. But, I felt it, the moment that I was waking up from my time spent in my darkness. And I felt how gently the Hands of Grace moved within me - that it was in no rush for me to scurry back into my light and for the first time, I felt myself welcoming this gentle pace of grace. Perhaps, the tenderness that I unearthed in my darkness, prepared me to ease myself into my light once more, into myself once more. 

Every moment from then till now, has felt so critical, so significant - that day by day I was being eased back into myself once more. I could sense on so many mornings - the Hands of Grace; the Hands of the Absolute were upon me; were moving through me; I could feel the pieces coming together; moment by moment; day by day. And I know what you’re thinking - that after coming out of the darkness, I was being put back together again, and maybe so, but it was more than that - I was not going to be myself again; I was not going to be who I was before Hell and I didn’t want to be. 

See, I ascended into my Heavens and packed all Its Treasures into my Being and I guess, in my own crazy plan, I thought thereafter, I’d just descend straight into my Hells and pack all those Treasures into my Being. And here I am now, the Hands of the Absolute sculpting and creating an entirely new being full of these new treasures. 

But isn’t it magical, pure magic, to wake up and feel these pieces coming together day by day. 

I woke up a couple days ago and I could feel it - that I came back to Life; that I came back to myself. I returned Home to myself - I literally hugged myself and gave myself these kisses. 

There are so many moments of grace I have felt within these past couple of weeks - I have felt the moment when all these energies that I carried in my darkness - the thoughts, the feelings, lifted off of me. I have felt so intimately the Absolute; my God; my Adonai lifting my Spirits again; lifting these Illusions from me - that I just quietly lay there feeling it. I could feel the Hands of God holding me again, Hands that never left me, but I could feel it once more. 

I have felt moments where I could not even bother to understand what I was feeling within myself because I knew that the Hands of the Absolute were at work - and I didn’t want to get in the way of the Experts - and even in those moments, I was made to see with such clarity that I was not alone, I was made to see that even without understanding, I still stood in my knowing. I have felt myself waking up to Life again … waking up to new life … new living. 

And today, today I stood facing directly towards my Sun, my new Sun and Its Rays - its thick and heavy rays soaked in the light of my existence pierced through my Eyes. 

Can you believe it, can you believe the journey, these experiences - I stood in the direct line of my Sun; staring boldly at it because I was ready now; because all of me was ready; and felt those rays, pierce through my Eyes. 

In retrospect … of my Life, so far - the Voice of my Soul is clear and distinct … always. The journey of Life … the experiences of Life are so, so, so, unique - unique in that there is much for one to get acquainted with, within OneSelf. 

Life is innately intimate - it’s heavily layered and it expects you to explore the Layers of the Unique-ness of the Life within You.

Written by: Chelsea Avasa Khan