Painting by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
Loved, Unloved?
Writing everyday, it’s like places within me where I once felt constricted, I feel myself breathing openly and freely in those very places. It’s like waking up feeling something that’s in your way; feeling stuck in some way and I open myself to my heart and I write and it’s like I faced it. Not just facing it, less confrontational, and more so having a conversation with the very thing and then I wake up the next day, and that very thing that made me feel stuck - it feels freed. It’s like I faced it head-on; again less confrontational, and more so I stopped and listened for a bit. And the next time I think about that very thing, I can feel my being smile - we faced this; face to face; we saw each other and got acquainted and familiarized with each other. It isn’t such a mystery anymore. It’s like getting to know myself more deeply.
I have to say, in the midst of writing everyday - in the midst of this clarity just constantly flowing; these conversations in my thoughts constantly unraveling - it’s made me connect with the purpose of the clarity more. See, it’s easy to get lost in - I need to process this next burst of clarity to be more of myself; I need to sit and write and allow all these energies of my soul to come to life - so that I can finally be myself fully.
We hear a lot about ascension right? I think it’s important for me to have that conversation with myself so that I understand the richness of my experiences here and now. Simply put, I exist naturally in the fullness of who I am and in my day to day life - the thrill of living; the satisfaction of life; the deepening of the intimacy of the connection with myself comes from experiencing new layers of myself. But there is no end point to this. I’m not becoming more of who I am - in hopes that one day I reach the fullness of who I am.
No, no, no - ascension for me is Holding hands with the Absolute; Holding hands with my Soul; and Holding my own ground - exploring and experiencing and creating all the Layers of My Existence that matter to me. It’s not trying to reach somewhere - It’s starting from and being in that place where all and everything that You are already is. It’s starting from full-ness; It’s starting from your innate complete-ness; It’s starting from the Source of where you belong and then, then, just live-ing and experiencing yourself as you desire, as you intend.
I think I just felt compelled to write about this today because the plethora of clarity that I have been experiencing lately makes me question its relation to me. See, the one thing that I’ve realized that takes me away from the pure nature of experiencing this clarity, it’s when I try to streamline it into something that it’s not. I know that traditionally - in human nature, to experience visions and the stream of wisdom - it’s easy to feel this momentum that it means something significant is about to happen; it’s all building up to something; something’s about to manifest in this specific way. Well, I see clearly now that isn’t my story - and how much that narrative diluted and diminishes my experience.
It takes away from the fullness of what I am experiencing now. I take away, from myself, the purity of what I am experiencing now. But I feel that’s the greatest gift that I’ve given to myself - endlessly using my complete surrender to those moments. Everything in You; Every layer of Yourself knows that’s where Home is; that’s where The Absolute Sanctuary is; that’s where the Real You is.
I’ve titled this post - Loved; Unloved. It’s something that I have been feeling lately and it feels a lot raw, right now. Life’s been two-fold lately - acknowledging the reality of my experiences; and feeling the light of my Truth coming back to me, more and more everyday. So what that means for me, is seeing all the ways that I haven’t been loved; feeling all the ways that it stings my heart. I can feel how part of me has rightfully believed that I was not loved; that I felt unlovable. More than believing it, a part of me became it - one who is unloved; one who is unlovable. (fuck, it’s not easy writing this … feeling this)
How can the Human Spirit borne of the Absolute, believe itself to be unloved; unlovable.
How can the Human Spirit borne of the Absolute; of the Infinite Love; morph itself into that which is unloved; unlovable.
Someone once told me that I have a knack for turning the lights on - within my spirit; within my Heart; within my Soul. If I have a knack for turning the lights on - then that means that … I have a knack for turning the lights off, on myself. So maybe, that was it - I switched the Lights off on Love - Became ‘Un-loved’. To experience my Heart - un-loved; un-love-able. To SEE for myself - to SEE TRUTH in the MIDST of UNTRUTH. To EXPERIENCE a hurting heart un-loved - so that my SOUL shine its BRILLIANT SOFT LIGHT on the LOVE OF THE ABSOLUTE that EXISTS UNWAVERINGLY. In the Polarity, to SEE TRUTH AND ILLUSION for myself. For myself, that’s it. Here and Now, witness and SEE for myself, have it unfold intimately and gently within me - that my Source; the Source of who I am is Love; that which I belong too is Love. That no matter the depths to which the Heart experiences itself Un-loved, the Heart ItSelf is MADE from LOVE; the Heart ItSelf is FULL of LOVE - Here and Now!
To unravel within myself here and now - The Truth that I am of Love; that I am made of Love; that I am eternally and intimately Loved; that I can let go of those lingering beliefs that I am not Loved.
For there is not a single moment in the Existence of the Soul that it is not Loved.
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
