She Wonders/ Her Quiet Frenzy
She Wonders
How can one thrive in Hell?
She is petrified at the mere thought of staying another moment longer!
She wants to scream for the filth that She feels in this Hell.
She keeps trudging on; perhaps neither forward nor backward but trudging on nonetheless.
She lives in Heaven and Hell.
She is angry but she still lingers where the sting of betrayal is fresh.
She does not know how long she is staying … here in her hell where the Air, ItSelf suffocates Her and the Darkness irks and exhausts her.
She hates Hell; absolutely abhors it.
She wants to crush and destroy it forever.
She Is conflicted about who to be and how to be, all to Preserve and Protect Her Heaven!
She wonders what He would say about this Hell …
She wonders what He would say about this Hell
The Hell that makes Her want to coil into HerSelf completely
She wonders what He would be like if He lived in this Hell
The Sight of which makes Her want to explode into Tears
She wonders how He would live in this Hell
She wonders if He would make this Hell His Home if he had no other choice.
He’d say,
“There’s no way in Hell - that Hell can take away Your Heavens!”
He’d say that,
“There is no way the Hells can burn through Your Heavens; because even if I do live in Hell, then it is my Hell; a Hell that belongs to me; a Hell that is a part of me and as such it is as pure and brilliant in Its Beauty as is my Heaven!”
He said that,
“Heaven is full of ItSelf and so is Hell - they want nothing of each other. So, maybe, stop trying to make a Heaven of your Hell; There is no need to PROTECT the Heavens when it STANDS so GRACE-FULLY & BRILLIANTLY on its own;
There is no need to RID your world of the Hells when it cannot take from You, Your Heavens or Your Existence!”
He asked me if there was a chance that I would come to accept the Hell within me.
&
He knew that I could only entertain such a question because of Him; because of His Existence; Because His Soul thrived in the Darkness of His Hell while my Soul thrived in the Brilliance of my Heaven.
Yes, my Soul thrived in the Brilliance of my Heaven. Perhaps, I thought a Soul to be one or the other; But tonight, it would seem that I did not know my Soul as well as I once thought!
See, if I accept my Hell, I accept that as defeat. But trying to put an end to it has exhausted me repeatedly.
&
Yet, I’m only feigning contemplation for the moment he asked, he created a very real possibility of Yes within me.
See, He never felt for a moment that he should not feel the Darkness of His Hells. He never felt that he should not feel the Darkness of Hells. He did not see it as a challenge, an obstacle to be obliterated. There was nothing in Him that resisted what had already presented itself inside His Heart. He Reigned in His Hells, not because he took control of it, not because he conquered it, not because he succumbed it, but because He saw no flaws in Hell. He saw no flaws in the Darkness of His Hells. He never tried to make Light in the Darkness. He never separated HimSelf from the Darkness. He experienced it for what it was - never questioning Its Duration or Its Intensity or perhaps lack thereof. He experienced HimSelf in the Darkness. He got lost in the Darkness, as one does, but he never tries to find His Way! He stayed lost in the Darkness.
He said,
“You can’t force the Heavens to Hell and You can’t take the Hells to the Heavens. Why, Why ask that of either of them? Do they not deserve their Freedom to EXIST as they do, where they belong?”
I agreed. Hell was free, I suppose, because whatever He created there, in Hell, always emanated Freedom. You always felt that something in You, some part of You was being freed, like You didn’t know that Liberation even existed in those places. It was the most serene of liberations.
I agreed and I stopped seeing myself as Half of the Story. I stopped seeing myself as sometimes entering the Other Half - unwillingly. I started seeing myself as the Full Story, that I could exist as the Full Story - the whole canvas; a unique and natural balance of Heaven and Hell. A balance that I didn’t have to control - I mean, I have never attempted to control the Heaven within me, so why even venture to control the inevitability of the Hell within me.
In His Asking of Me to accept the Hell within me, He was asking of Me to accept more of my Freedom!
You know, maybe even my absolute abhorrence of my Hell and my Fire Will to obliterate it, is part of my Hell too!
I guess everything does come full circle after all!
She wondered why She kept chasing after the next moment
She wondered why She became so protective of each moment - that She could not leave it to itself for fear something else caught hold of it.
She wondered why She couldn’t shake herself awake - no matter how hard She tried - She felt that some part of Her had its eyes closed shut
&
There He was again,
She wondered how was it that He had all of Her Answers
&
Sometimes, when She saw Him - She felt that She had all the Answers inside of Her.
Why, Why do I keep chasing after the next moment;
Why am I so protective of each moment;
Why can’t I shake myself awake?
Why?
Because I am in quiet but palpable frenzy.
Sometimes, I feel that my Life refuses to change;
It refuses to look any different, be any different.
Sometimes it feels so barren, so empty.
In my quiet frenzy, there is a feeling that the next moment will be It, the moment where my Heart’s desires come to be! But it hasn’t - I’m just living in this internal world of quiet frenzy.
I am heavily calculated and protective in my movements - I move close to the people that I love, however few they may be, and I avoid the people that I abhor.
Perhaps, part of me is asleep because there is not much to wake up too - because part of me got terribly exhausted of the constant hurt that I was feeling and went into some sort of hibernation. And Yet I am annoyingly keen on being fully awake and feeling fully alive.
Above it all, is the constant feeling that I need HOME. I need to go HOME and that constant dread of having no clue what that HOME is in reality.
I question my own thoughts, my own feelings.
I feel that I may be going about it all wrong.
I fear that I am prolonging my discomfort.
It is a dreadful and perpetual cycle.
I feel that every moment is so crucial and so significant now that I fear that I am suffocating all my tomorrows.
There is the constant gnawing within me to have absolute freedom. I fear that at times I believe myself to be absolutely restrained and restricted.
I fear that I am at the Hands of Suffocation itself.
I fear that my Life is not changing, moving, progressing. It feels unbelievable that my NOW feels more of the past than that of the NOW.
I fear that this is all TOO MUCH for me - everything that I am feeling; I can tell that sometimes I am carrying too much.
I am scared of where I am going because I don’t know exactly where that is and if I am going anywhere at all.
Sometimes, my eyes, they feel so tired; so worn; that it’s tired of seeing the same life over and over again.
Perhaps, what terrifies me most these days is that Nothing has changed and Nothing is changing!
The way that I feel clarity for a moment, and I could feel myself taking a step forward and then everything in me - freezes; like part of me is holding myself so stiffly in place … hasn’t changed.
The way I keep reminding myself of my demons and nightmares … hasn’t changed.
The way I feel like myself for some time and then decide that it shouldn’t last too long … hasn’t changed. I am myself sometimes, occasionally, briefly, in-between, so that the demons and nightmares never get a hold of me.
The way I find peace and thereafter mix in some quiet inner chaos and turmoil … hasn’t changed.
The way when one thing becomes clear, I suddenly need everything else to become clear and then things get all blurry again … hasn’t changed.
The way that sometimes, I’m at peace with myself and with my life but I never let myself stay there for too long because I should want so much more than this - and I suddenly feel empty and that I have a terribly long way to go … hasn’t changed.
The way that I feel fulfilled and complete within my simple and ordinary Self but I entertain the voices of those dreadful demons that tell me I cannot be fulfilled or complete as I am … hasn’t changed.
The way that those dreadful demons are baffled by the Sanctuary within my Self that I myself have become baffled - suddenly, constantly feeling that I am missing out on something, when in my Sanctuary all is there … hasn’t changed.
The way that I know who I am, and have for a long time; the way that I knew how I wanted to live my life; the way that I live as I am and the Life that I want to live - but split myself to appease those dreadful demons; forgetting that I’d never fit in with them for they already knew that I never belonged with them … hasn’t changed.
The way that I hate myself for all of my ways and the way that all of my ways haven’t changed. The way that I harbor quiet disappointment in myself for making things harder than need be - when I can feel the ease of my life dangling in front of me.
The way that I love myself; The way that I love who I am; The way that I love my life right now.
The way that I loved dreaming of who I wanted to be; The way that I loved dreaming of what I wanted of my Life. The way I feel it is memorized inside of me.
The way that I dreamt so much, that I started to miss myself, started to miss who I am here and now.
The way that I stopped dreaming of who I wanted to be and what I wanted of my Life. The way that I stopped creating myself and my Life. The way that I live now. The way that I live my life now - this is where I want to be; here within the Sanctuary of mySelf and my World.
The way that I feel that I have wasted time; that I have wasted precious time constantly coming and going from my Sanctuary - maybe I just needed to be sure that what was out of it, was not for me, was not me. Or maybe, I have wasted time, precious, precious time … but oh well. It is what it is, isn’t it? We’ve got to move on.
Within these past two days of writing this and being immersed in these thoughts - I feel different, as though another person wrote this in that I no longer feel intimately attached to what I have written. This holds a lot of significance for me for within these past couple of months, these very thoughts, in one way or the other have been part of my experiences, very much a part of my reality. Now, they feel distant to me.
I feel highlighted here a significant reminder of the importance of self-reflecting in my everyday life. There is an intensity with which thoughts play themselves out in our minds impacting the quality of the life we live every day. I feel that with the consistency of these thoughts - my energy at times felt heavy, weighted, exhausting. I can see that self - reflecting; expressing it in my writing - brings it to Life in many ways; there is this beautiful clarity that reveals itself.
See, if I’m being honest, I was HEAVILY & SOLELY FOCUSED on expressing what I would call the Heavens of my Soul; the Worlds of the Absolute that are so alive inside of me. It made sense to magnify and highlight that which was this BRILLIANT PURE MAGIC pulsating within me. There are times when tunnel vision is necessary - as there was a time when these Heavens and Worlds were newly discovered within me and I focused a lot on exploring it; focusing on the creating process; bringing it to life in tangible ways - in my writing and painting.
But I feel my Heart focused here on this sentiment:
“The way that I live my life now - this is where I want to be; here within the Sanctuary of mySelf and my World.”
I wanted to know who I am and express who I am. I discovered who I am and how I wanted to express who I am. Yes, these Heavens and these sacred and holy Worlds are who I am; they are a significant and integral part of who I am and now, I know how to express it; how to bring it to life and I am sure that as Life progresses it will continue to expand itself in a diverse array of tangible ways. But, here and now, I am more than that - in this moment all the ways that I live and experience my Life - my unique perspectives and approaches to Life matter a great deal to me. It is easy to see that the evidently Infinite things are … Infinite and it is easy to feel it intimately. Now I realize that the Intimate aspects of who I am are Infinite as well - in that in the grand scheme of things they too deserve to be magnified and not erased.
I see the pure value of self-reflecting in my everyday life - I feel more connected to myself; more connected to my life; that I am not magnifying part of myself and trying to silence other parts of myself. There is a gentle softness that arises in just allowing myself to exist as I am.
“The way that I live my life now - this is where I want to be; here within the Sanctuary of mySelf and my World.”
For to live within the Sanctuary of myself and my World - is to feel intimately connected to myself; to my experiences; to my Life; where there is a natural warmth within this Sanctuary of Mine!
Chelsea Avasa Khan
