Today, today, I am writing something a little different. Everyday, there are moments where I feel beautiful energies of clarity flowing through me - so many layers of new clarity. While I revel and allow myself to be consumed by these energies; and while my desire is to always create something of it to share with my world, it is part of my day.
I wanted to share what more of my day felt like today, which hopefully allows me to feel more connected with myself and more at ease within myself.
Today, I felt like loneliness was keen on befriending me. When the motions of the day slowed down, I suddenly felt this intense loneliness - like it was shining its light directly upon me; the spotlight of loneliness shining down on me.
I suddenly felt like everyone else was in some unique equations of their own togetherness and there was mine - incomplete; just an a, without a b, or a c, and no connection; no togetherness; just an a without her b, or c. An interesting analogy but I felt the sting of it.
I feel that I am confronting myself in ways that need to be confronted and it feels like a shaky energy inside of me.
I’ve been in somewhat of an intense yearning to move past certain things and an eager desperation to move towards certain things and now, now things are showing themselves to me in an intensely new light.
Shaky, it feels shaky because it feels like I am in this constant state of vulnerability with and towards myself.
I see that confronting myself is an intense vulnerability with myself.
There is part of me that feels entirely how much I need this, how much this is giving to me and then there is part of me that feels a bit exhausted by it - this feeling of opening my heart again and again and again; those small, quiet moments that my heart feels ever so loudly and ever so intensely.
My story has changed entirely - and though it was a gradual and graceful process, today it feels like it is happening all at once.
In every moment, it feels like Life is tugging at my heartstrings to open myself to it - to experience the fullness of my heart in each moment & to experience the fullness of each moment.
And as it presents itself to me, I feel a quiet hesitation within me, but then, then I allow it - because for a moment, I look into Life’s Eyes and I can see it asking me to experience it; to live it; to pour my heart out into each moment.
In those quiet hesitations - I feel a little scared; something that feels so pure, so innocent. I feel a little scared because I feel someone’s heart laid bare to me - I feel how precious and pure that heart is; how fragile it is because it was always meant to be tenderly and softly held. I feel a little scared because I feel helpless when I cannot protect a heart from breaking or hurting. I feel a little scared because I cannot hold back the hands of the one that dares to hurt a heart.
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I feel a lot scared, because my heart is being laid bare - and then someone can see, how intensely and profusely there is a special love that is ever flowing from there, and then someone can see, how shattered and broken my heart is - how every broken piece shudders at the touch of another; how every broken piece has sharpened its edges to draw blood from the one who touches upon it, and then someone can see that for every shudder - I’ve wanted to grip tightly to that very touch and hold on to it, and then someone can see that all those broken pieces and their sharpened pieces - I’ve just wanted them to sit with me and patiently take the time to gently place those pieces back together again.
Because once upon a time, I shuddered at the hands of that which broke my heart. Because once upon a time, I made those broken pieces - sharpened at the edges so that the hands of that which broke my heart would no longer come near it.
And I think what is terribly painful about this is that I sit here with the spotlight of loneliness shining on me confronting my broken heart.
And then there is the haunting truth - that a broken heart finds solace in its loneliness; because a broken heart has learnt to shudder at the touch of any hand; learns to prick the finger of any hand that reaches out to hold it - so to cease its shudders; to no longer draw blood from the other; it finds a reasonable home in its loneliness.
It is safer this way? It is more peaceful this way?
And then there is the graceful truth - that God and Life work hand in hand to heal what has been broken. A healing heart; a healed heart - naturally is on the road to forgiving the hand that broke it; naturally is on the road to understanding the hand that broke it; naturally is on the road to letting go and releasing the hand that broke it.
“I forgive the hand that broke my heart; I understand the hand that broke my heart; I let go and release the hand that broke my heart”
And I guess this is where I am right now - experiencing ‘first hand’ the healing of my heart. It’s an ongoing experience and it is clear to see that there is little significance in the ‘end result’ of it. It is experiencing each moment of healing fully.
Everyday, I feel myself remembering less and less of the shudders and roughness of my broken heart and leaning more and more into those new hands that have been coming in slowly and gently to hold me; to hold my heart.
To say the least, it feels entirely messy - there are moments when it feels like I’ve created something entirely new of myself; and then there are moments where I feel so harshly the loneliness and the brokenness and the quiet rage part of me has been living in; and then there are moments where I can feel the emptiness that this leaves in me - no longer filled by this loneliness; this brokenness; this rage; and then there are moments where it feels like my entire life has been leading up to a moment like this - to feel the ease of my healed heart; to experience the beating of my pure heart for the first time and then for a lifetime.
So that’s part of what I have been feeling today; a lot of what I have been feeling today.
And yet in the midst of this messy and crazy life - I have danced today (feeling myself move more freely than I have in a while); I felt beautiful and sexy today and savored in those moments; I spent time with a loved one today - and there were moments of laugher; moments where our hearts were laid bare but tenderly and softly held by the other.
There was a time, where I desperately wanted to run from my now, and yearned for a future that I dreamed of and the now was only a vehicle to get me towards my future
And
Now that whole perspective, that feeling is no longer real to me.
Here and now, as I write this - this is who I am, this is where I want to be, this is where I need to be. I have grown fond of my messy and crazy life and what I once desperately wanted to run away from, I have grown rather fond of it - I found so many unexpected parts of me unraveling right before me here and now.
And now, it is almost 2 in the morning and the question is - how do I wind down from the intensity of this experience today; of feeling and processing all of this today. Well, I am still ‘learning’; ‘learning’ to let go of all the layers of myself that I have experienced today and allow myself to just rest; to be at ease and just rest.
That’s the end for now, for today.
The Touch Of Tenderness
Two days have passed and so much has changed. I barely know myself. I barely know myself which means that it is time to write to discover more, more of myself.
I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to start, but nonetheless I’ll start somewhere and end up everywhere - in all the cracks and crevices of my heart.
When realities no longer serve you, they become illusions to self. When reflections no longer need to be seen, they dissipate in thin air - going up like a cloud of smoke.
Lately, I feel that I have been keeping so many secrets from myself - I can hear the whispers now; and even the whispers of secrets have the capacity to take complete control of my heart - such that I feel completely out of control.
Lately, I feel this ‘love’ encapsulating me; holding me. Why does it feel of love? It feels like it’s holding me; holding my heart. It’s tenderly and softly holding my heart. I don’t quite understand it but when I wake up into this tenderness, I just want to feel it - I just want to feel the love that it is so tenderly holding my heart; I just want to feel that feeling of my heart being so tenderly held - that it makes me see all the ways that my heart is broken; all the ways that my heart is putting itself back together; all the bits and pieces. That even if I haven’t been able to see my own heart break, there is someone out there that sees it for me, sees it for me so much so, that I can just rest into the tenderness of their love and let the pieces fall back into place.
When reflections are no longer needed, they disappear in thin air - going up like a cloud of smoke. But new reflections are wanting to be seen, needing to be seen - wanting to take a new permanent place in my heart. Saying to me, see me, look at me, till all the pieces of your heart fall back into place.
All the seemingly tiny bits and pieces of the shattered reflections - he’s saying that even those I need to stop looking into; stop seeing myself in those bits and pieces.
And if I am being honest, though I look into the new reflection and all that I see is him, it is in fact myself that is asking to be seen; wanting to be seen; The softest and most tender parts of my heart wanting to be seen; to be heard; to be felt; to be understood.
All the seemingly tiny bits and pieces of the shattered reflections - he’s saying that even those I need to stop looking into; stop seeing myself in those bits and pieces. He is taking away those tiny bits and pieces of shattered shards - softly and quietly and gently.
And if I am being honest, it makes me feel like I am out of control at times. It makes me angry. It makes me feel a ‘little’ insane. Who is he to come into the deep recesses of my heart so freely and take away these scattered pieces of my heart that no longer belong to me. Who is he, to go so deeply at work inside of my heart. Who is he, that asks for nothing, and yet is giving me everything - everything that I did not know that I was in desperate need of.
Who is he, that is giving unto me so relentlessly, so freely, and with such a soft and tender perfection.
Who is he, that is tearing away at all the ways that I have been holding on to myself in ways that I don’t need to, not anymore.
Who is he, that is so gracefully stripping away the layers of heartbreak that I have been living inside of.
Who is he, who is begging me, to see myself through his eyes, and to see all that he is seeing.
Who is he, who is pleading with me, to trust him just enough to see myself through his eyes; just for a moment; just for some time; to not see things the way that I once did.
Everyday, more and more, I am crumbling under the soft touches of his tenderness and if I am being honest, there is a part of me, that welcomes the crumbling but there is also a part of me that tenses at his touch of tenderness; part of me that is ready to fight at the touch of his tenderness. And if I am being honest, I believe that those are all the pieces of me that his hands of tenderness are touching upon - the parts that are sensitive to his touch; the parts that are ready to fight him - he is there, he is there holding it all in his tenderness.
And I believe that He isn’t leaving till I feel the Touch of His Tenderness as my own.
He is there inside of my heart - soothing ALL its quiet whimperings as if him and only him knows the Lullabies that puts it at ease.
I haven’t taught him any of the melodies of these lullabies as I myself have no knowledge of them. I haven’t divulged unto him, all the ways that my heart has been hurt and is hurting as I myself have what feels like little knowing of it.
And yet, he has all this knowledge of my heart - that he sees it and he sees it ever so effortlessly as if he was only meant to have sight of my heart.
He’s been quietly whispering to me everyday, that he sees my heart - again and again and again he tells me. It is beautiful to hear and feel those whispers.
Written by: Chelsea Avasa Khan
