Lately, the theme of my life, of my heart has been ‘intense vulnerabilities’. 

Intense, because from the moment my eyes open upon awakening, these vulnerabilities of my heart pull all of me into it and it is without choice, that I have to, that I must give myself entirely unto it. 

I’ve been feeling this emptiness within myself - viscerally I feel this emptiness, beyond an emptiness, like I have been starving for something; that I have been starved of something. 

If what I was feeling before was an intense vulnerability - this feels of a greater intensity; as though the capacity to experience vulnerability within myself has expanded and I am being thrust into its delicate hands; into its soft embrace. 

This emptiness, I feel empty of love. Perhaps, this is one of the most difficult things for me to write; to feel; to express; to acknowledge. I feel that I have been starving for love; that I have been starved of love!

And it’s taking everything of me to not just erase all of this, but I can’t …

I feel that I have been starving for love; that I have been starved of love. It makes my heart tremble. It makes me tremble.  

I need it. I crave for it. It is hovering over me now letting me know how desperately I need it, how desperately I crave for it because I need it. 

& 

Yet, quietly I feel within me, that my heart, this little heart of mine is innately part of the greater heart of humanity. I can feel Her Silence; Her Deadly Silence as though she is reaching out in what She feels to be Her very last moments - that Her reserves of Her Love have run low. She is empty … empty. She is starved of love and weakened. Her Heart weakened. 

And while She calls to my heart - there is hesitation on my part to answer her, as it thrusts me into the weakness that I feel within my heart; into the weakness that I feel within Her Heart; within our Heart. 

But nonetheless, I answer. 

Sometimes, the heart is angry and rightfully so, but if it becomes an angered heart, then there is the danger of the heart becoming so accustomed to its anger that it forgets its innate nature to reach for love. It doesn’t necessarily become resistant to love but the layers of anger and rage become so familiar that it is easy for the heart to continue choosing it. 

The heart is powerful and strong but it is also delicate and fragile. It can create mighty things of its rage and anger - but only for so long can it run on the fuel of its rage, because perhaps, it never ran on the fuel of rage. It was always powered by the energy of its love and love gives us the freedom to feel as we choose within our hearts. 

But when we choose rage for too long - how much can the heart take of it before it begins to forget itself, before it completely forgets itself? 

My heart has been on this journey of healing. I would say that healing is part of it. My heart has been on this journey of experiencing itself which I would translate as my heart is alive and live-ing. 

See, I felt the power and strength of my Heart through Love in so many different layers and then, then as life goes, my heart was broken and hurting. If I experienced the absolute power and strength of my heart through Love, when I felt my heart so broken and hurting, I slipped into the other end of experiencing the power and strength of my heart through my anger, through my rage, through my hate. 

I felt my life and heart entirely consumed by my rage - everything that I felt, that I thought, that I spoke, that I saw; I could feel that I was nowhere near ready to let go of it. I tightly gripped on to it. When I felt the power of the currents of the rage washing over me, I knew that I had to give myself entirely unto it. I had to allow myself to be thrusted into it - because resisting it would be pointless. 

I felt it with every fiber of my being; I held it in for some time and then realized that I needed to talk about how I was feeling; allowing myself to freely express everything that I was feeling - and as is the grace of life - I found understanding ears surrounding me; there was something liberating about being able to express so freely and without filter all those moments of rage that sprung forth from within my heart. 

Honestly, my rage felt necessary, absolutely necessary. I felt everything that I was; everything that I became; everything that I was becoming; everything that I was creating - was suddenly being threatened; challenged. Boldly and blatantly staring straight into my eyes and challenging My Truth; challenging my Heart; challenging my Knowing as though I was in the Hands of my Own Destiny - asking myself how absolute are you of your truth; how solid are you within your own heart; how truly alive is this knowing within you. I was in the Hands of my Own Destiny - asking myself how willing was I to hold to my Truth; how far was I willing to go to keep the flames of my existence burning within my heart; how far was I willing to go to protect the Knowing that lived so easily and beautifully within me. How far was I willing to go?

Well, I was willing to go. I was willing to go all the way and I did. 

Rage that was necessary, rage that I felt overpower me and I allowed myself to be thrusted into the experience of it all - ultimately an experience that would become a staple of who I am and everything that I have chosen to be. And yet, in the aftermath of it all, I apologize to my Heart for everything that it endured during this experience. I apologize to my heart for the ugliness of the rage that I felt; for the hate that I felt; for the anger that I felt; for the way that it consumed all of me. I apologize to myself for all of it - for all the negativity that I got so completely lost in. 

I apologize to myself for all the ways that it consumed me. And I make amends with my Heart - I suppose this is too light of an analogy and a bit of a comical one, but it is similar to a sibling apologizing to the other after a tiny squabble - there is a hesitation to say sorry to the other, still in the moment upset, but nonetheless, they apologize and quickly thereafter - their hearts are freely and joyfully at play again. And yet it is the perfect analogy - because I know that my Heart would never hold out on its Love for me. So, here I am, making amends with my Heart once more - so that I can feel free to be joyfully at play in my life once more.

My heart has been on this journey of experiencing itself which I would translate as my heart is alive and live-ing. 

Lately, Life feels like it has been coming full circle, but now, now it feels a little different - as though I am spinning in an entirely new circle. 

See, when the challenge fades, the rage is no longer needed and gently begins to dissipate. Now, I feel entirely different - that I am being more of myself; more real in my day to day life; more real within myself. I feel this layer of ease gradually and gently unfolding within me, and I can’t tell you how much I have craved for this layer of ease to envelope me. A layer of ease that feels like it embodies so much of who I am, so much of who Chelsea is. 

I knew the moment I felt the challenge dissipating, the rage perishing within me - I knew that there would be a visceral and gaping emptiness within me because so much of my power was previously focused on it. Now that it is gone, my Power; the Power within my Heart is focusing itself on entirely new layers of being; of living; of experiencing. 

The focus on the ‘challenge’; the emotional memory of the ‘rage’ becomes more and more minute and my focus on these new layers become magnified in my story - now, fuelled by this new and familiar ease. 

Now, everyday, that is what I am reaching for - experiencing and living in this ease of myself - where I am light and free; where my Heart is light and free in its gentle ease. These are the new layers of energies of my life from which I am focused from - creating all my experiences of intimate successes and happiness; living in the freedom, the independence, the autonomy of mySelf that I have unraveled over the years of my Life; over the Lives that I’ve lived; that are of the Soul and Source of who I am pouring seamlessly and gracefully into my humanity. 

Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan

So, here I am, making amends with my Heart once more - so that I can feel free to be joyfully at play in my life once more.