I’ve had so many energies flowing within these past couple of days, so it’s going to be a lot of ‘seemingly scattered thoughts’.
A new energy, I feel an entirely new center point; core point of energy establishing itself within me; as me. I can feel that it is a significant point in my life; a major creation in my life; to establish such a new core center of my energy!
To feel, so viscerally and so gently,
The way it landed within me,
How ‘right on time it felt’
How ‘matter of fact it felt’
How ‘destined’ it felt’
In light of this ‘newly established centered/ core energy of myself - there are bits of reflections that I see that are not entering/ going with me into this new phase of my life.
In essence, I feel/ sense a period of living that is less emotionally intense and heavy; entering a new energy/era of emotionally experiencing myself and my life.
I feel that as I have lived, I developed an intense yearning to create a new sense of peace; a sense of ease within myself and the people around me.
An intense yearning that created a pattern - of ‘controlling’; of wanting to; of needing to have a sense of control of life; of circumstances; of people’s emotions. In trying to control the very things that are not meant to be controlled; that are full of ebbs & flows; trying to control the very things that are changing constantly - day to day/ moment to moment - creates an ongoing pattern of uneasiness. An uneasiness layered with varying degrees of intensity - ready to catch someone the moment their peace is disrupted/ shaken.
I was zero-ing in on the things that mattered most to me in my life and experiencing life; navigating; learning what my heart prioritized naturally and figuring out how best I can translate them into my life’s priorities.
Now, I can see how pure and delicate and innocent that yearning in my heart was. I can feel how that ‘pattern’ though heavy and imperfect, was pure in its intention. Honestly, seeing this reflection so clearly now, I just see little Chelsea - Chelsea as a child and how everything that I am now stemmed from everything that I valued inside of my heart back then.
I saw people, I saw their hearts; I saw their needs; I saw what they valued most in their lives; I saw what hurt them the most. I saw them and there is part of me that if I could, I would hold their hands - walk with them; reassuring them every step of the way; ensuring ease in their every step.
I feel that the essence of who I am, of my energy; of my core - naturally embodies this now, without the need to carry the heaviness of it all. It’s not just the heaviness of the emotional intensity of it all, but objectively, just carrying the layers of all these energies; of all these stories - it is easy to slip into it becoming my entire world and then forgetting my story; forgetting the layers of my own story. It is akin to carrying all these books around with me, all the time.
I feel the significance of those life experiences - diving deep into understanding my heart; the hearts of the people around me; understanding the way we carry life’s experiences in our hearts. I learnt a lot!
But I know all too well, the perfection of the timing of life - the energies that are necessary to carry during different phases of our lives and when it naturally detaches, welcoming new layers.
So perhaps now this is why - I see that this reflection was an integral part of who I was; a wealth of experience; a wealth of experiences of observing; of experiencing; of navigating; of feeling again and again all the things that really mattered to me. A reflection that paved the way for all and everything that I am now.
Detached; I feel it naturally detaching from me - When these old reflections start fading, it is one of the most interesting and intimate experiences of my life. Something that felt so much a part of me; of my identity; that I would never question or challenge it because it felt so effortlessly a part of me - in one gentle moment of grace - it suddenly feels unfamiliar; still in my internal world but somehow outside of me.
This particular detachment is no small feat. I feel it to be a significant milestone in the evolution of my Soul; of my life. A significant milestone for Chelsea. Perhaps this is why I titled this post - ‘confronted by my soul’. A soft but necessary confrontation - where suddenly all these bits and pieces of reflections begin to feel so out of touch with who you are; that you know - that it is not even remotely close to who you are anymore and that you cannot bring any of it into the next phase of experiencing and living life. Why bring bits and pieces of an old mirror, when there is already a bright and shiny new mirror standing right before you - showing you everything that you are - n o w.
Detachment - something comes after detachment - after the heart begins understanding and the emotions start dissipating; after the mind is softly illuminated and the thoughts are no longer clinging to you - convincing you of their stories. After detachment, there is a new space that I can now feel on the inside - a new space that allows a new flow.
A new space of entirely new possibilities. I know that sounds a little vague - but this new space feels like something has shifted within me; changing me entirely from the inside out. An entirely new peace; new ease; establishing itself within me - where I am at peace with myself; where I am deeply at peace with myself. I no longer feel this constant internal battle with myself; this ongoing fight within myself; these relentless contradictions within myself.
I am at peace with myself.
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
