I feel terrified - I know what I am reaching for - a new air of mental clarity; a new wave of emotional stability washing over me; a new physical ease within my body. 

I know that the only way out is through it. I know that there is no escaping into my divinity now. I know that I have to stay here, present as the human being that I am. Because the only way out is through it. 

It all feels like a culmination of paralyzing fear that is ever present in varying degrees of intensity within me; an emotional pain that has become so accustomed to expressing itself within my body. An emotional pain that takes me away from myself and thrusts me into a dreadful feeling that this is the end for me; a feeling of death looming over me; of terrible and horrible things pending for me. It seems extreme writing it - but feeling it; live-ing it; it feels so real. It feels so real and it morphs me into a different person. 

I become hardened, protective, defensive, closed-off. I stand before Life but I can’t reach out to touch upon it, to feel it entirely because there has been this ongoing quiet sense of urgency that I must tend to this feeling of constant dread; this emotional pain within me. As though I must see to my flaws first and then, only then can I present myself to my Life.

As though no other eye must cast its gaze upon my flaws, for only I can see to it, only I can fix it. If another’s gaze catches upon my flaws - it can all spiral out of control. 

This dread/ this emotional pain/ this intense hurting that quietly lingers within me - feels like a constant open wound that is so tender to touch - so you can’t move too freely; motion is always with intense caution; extreme caution. You’re constantly tending to this wound; dressing it - so you have no choice but to focus on the dread/ on the pain and nothing more beyond it. It feels insidious in a way, you know, that it wants you - always there tending to it. 

Such is the story that has seethed quietly within me.

In Part I, I wrote, “There are bits of reflections that I see that are not entering/ going with me into this new phase of my life.” Within these past couple of days, I have not been able to stop staring into the bits of reflections of this story that I have so long experienced, so quietly within myself. 

Honestly speaking, I feel it to be a lot less intense than it once was - just by live-ing and connecting with the people around me - I see my quality of life to be one of more ease. The story has decreased significantly in its potency within myself and within my life. 

See, there was a time when this story felt so familiar - it was something that I never thought of not being a part of who I am. In many ways, I learnt to endure it. But as its Intensity and Grip has lessened significantly - I can see how unnatural it is to me. It feels like I am in the last moments of experiencing this sense of dread and pain that I have held within my body. 

I know that I can do this. I know that soon my body will experience itself with a great deal of EASE. No more - being strong enough to constantly withstand and endure this pain. No more - holding in and stifling this experience of dread within my body

… I can let it out. 

… I can let it all out of me. 

And welcome a new era of EASE into myself … into my life. To flow through all the tributaries of my Life. 

And welcome a sense of peace of mind that nurtures and gives to all that I create and experience within myself and within my life. 

Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan