There were so many trains moving on those tracks
So many moving parts of Her Story
But when Love came along
Suddenly, it all stopped;
The trains stopped in their tracks.
She abandoned those trains
She abandoned those tracks
&
Held on to Love’s Hands.
These days, I find myself shining a soft light on internal dialogues that I experience at some point in my day. It has been a softly powerful and graceful experience - in the aftermath of expressing what that internal dialogue feels like, I feel a greater sense of freedom. I feel that whatever the story was, has loosened its grip, completely let go, completely gone. By expressing it out loud in this way, I give myself an opportunity to see very clearly that the story is not my story, the story is not true to who I am.
Today, as usual, I feel that I am starting with a lot in my heart that I want to express. So … here goes.
Lately, I see myself going back and forth in ways that I no longer care for. I see myself clearly experiencing the Pure Light of my Knowing - in my heart; in Love; in Happiness; in Freedom; in my Autonomy. But I can’t help but notice these moments where I feel like I am quietly asking for permission - to experience mySelf; to Live as I desire. I am quietly asking Life for just another minute more, just another moment more - to live in this knowing; to live in this freedom; to live in this love. Asking, as though it does not belong to me. Asking, as though, some part of me constantly believes that I need permission of some sort.
It’s like I am bargaining with ‘something’ - I just need a moment to BREATHE in my FULLNESS; BREATHE in the ENTIRETY OF MY EXISTENCE. And then I will come back, come back to where the World wants me to be.
In the same moment, I am melting in the embrace of Love - hearing it sing its Songs of Love quietly into my Ears - melting every part of me into it; I am feeling a quiet Tug-of-War. And honestly, it is not even a Tug-Of-War, because Love isn’t pulling me towards it - it is where I belong; it is who I am; it is where I want to be and what I want to experience. But what part of me is wanting to pull me out of it; to pull me apart from it.
There are moments, where I look directly into the Eyes of Love and feel mySelf so fully ALIVE; living as my heart has desired. And then there are moments, where I walk past it, refusing to look into Its Eyes. And I have to ask myself, why, why are there those moments where I am walking away from the very thing that my heart has desired.
It feels like I am one foot in, one foot out, you know. There is part of my Heart that is certain of ItSelf and one foot is firmly set there, while the other - keeps dipping itself in and out. Perhaps, testing out the Waters fully before it finally moves forward into its True Position.
But, I am done. I am done testing out those Waters. I know where I belong. I have always known where I belong.
I feel that this is where - the Grandness and Power of my Innate Knowing meets the remnants of my Doubts, of Uncertainties, of Mis-understandings.
These doubts, uncertainties, mis-understandings - all wear different faces but I know very well that they are of my own personal darkness. All parts of me that just want, need - some more of my Knowing, some more of my Certainty, some more of my Understanding, some more of my Love.
I live in my Natural Knowing … and there are parts of me that believe in my doubts; that believe in doubt.
They may all wear different faces - the doubts, the uncertainties, the mis-understandings and they may all wander in my own personal darkness; But at the Core of it, it is miraculously simple.
The difference between Knowing God and not Knowing God. The difference between Knowing who You Are and not having a clue about who you really are.
It all came down to My Innate Knowing vs a World that doesn’t Know. But a World of my Darkness that doesn’t Know - has done what darkness has always done for me - it has brought me closer to who I AM; it has brought me closer to my Innate God Self; it has brought me closer to the Absolute; to the Divine; to the Soul and Source of who I am.
Beyond the ‘different faces’ - of stories and narrative and perceptions; Beyond the lights and darknesses of my World - It all comes back to the Absolute Core of WHO I AM.
One thing that keeps coming up for me today - well I am yet to fully put it into words so here goes.
I would say that much of my experience thus far has been strongly inspired from feeling the absence of who I am and desiring, needing to catapult into my natural presence; into The Presence.
It created A Journey for me where I experienced my COMPLETE SURRENDER into who I am; into God. Every single part of me was entirely open to the experiences of my journey - of each and every moment - it was akin to the feeling of cliff diving or free falling in the Open Skies. Eyes Closed and every fibre of my being alive with the Presence of the Absolute; alive with the Presence of my Soul.
I was intensely yearning for the Heavens to come Alive inside of me in its Pure Nature; in its Pure Freedom. And when it did - every part of me bowed completely to it.
My Journey at the time - I went from Absence to Presence; from yearning to fulfillment; which was a glorious experience in and of itself.
But now, inevitably change is upon me. As my friend told me once - the ongoingness of change is important. Change is Here. Change is Now.
I am no longer on that journey of going from the absence to the presence of who I am; I am no longer in that phase of yearning and experiencing fulfillment.
I am on a new Journey - of existing fully in the Presence of who I am and experiencing that; of existing purely filled in the fullness of who I am and experiencing that.
No longer experiencing being filled up but living in my Soul’s fulfillments.
No longer needing the contrast to propel me further into my Truth.
No longer needing the darkness to enlighten my Truth.
Rather, experiencing the contrast; the darkness as a natural part of my Life - but not the basis of it; not the foundation of it; not the Scope through which I live. But rather it serves as the part of my life which refreshes my experience; allows me to experience the Adventure of Life.
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
