She Laughs Again

Today, I’ve been hesitating to write and for somewhat of a humorous reason. 

I have been in somewhat of a very light-hearted/ goofy mood. And I kept thinking that I have to focus myself into writing as though my writing must always be of a serious atmosphere and experience for me. The moment I said it out loud, it seemed humorous to me. 

Sometimes I just get so accustomed to that stream of clarity - of the Absolute; of my Soul; of mySelf; of my Life which many times the energy/ the feeling of it is passionate/ fulfilling/ full of relief/ releasing/ clearing/ cleansing/ intense/ satisfying and sometimes sad/ intense/ enraged/ fiery … that when it feels light-hearted, I guess I am not that accustomed to sharing it in my writing. So I am attempting to share that with You today. 

You know, now that I think about it, one of my main intentions for myself for this month was establishing a relationship with the chill part of myself. See, a couple weeks ago, I saw a vision of myself. 

* My visions allow me to experience the Soul and Source of who I am as it pertains to my Life here and now and everything that I am creating. It allows me to understand myself more deeply; It allows me to understand my Life and what matters to me the most and how I can continue to create and build upon that significance; It allows me to create and share clarity for my blog; It allows me to create energies of the Absolute in my paintings; It allows me to create and experience healing that stems and pours forth from the core of the Soul; from the cores of the Heart. 

So, I saw a vision of myself a couple weeks ago and when I ‘see’ a vision - every layer of my being experiences it; every layer of my Heart experiences it; becomes acquainted with it; familiarizes itself with it; until it softly becomes a part of who I am. 

I felt that it encompassed this beautiful and graceful ease that I fully allowed myself to be connected too and embody. In many ways, it felt like everything that I wanted to feel like; how I wanted to let my life feel like. I felt softly and quietly free - I felt how I was allowing my creativity to flow as a stable and consistent part of my life; how I acknowledged the depth of my committed relationship with my art; with my creativity. It was like I just allowed it to flow its happiness through me unconditionally. 

In this vision, I felt like who I always needed to be for myself; who I needed to be for myself. I felt how my Heart was at peace - a new sense of Gentle Maturity rested within my Heart. It felt like nothing was ‘haunting’ me anymore you know. 

I guess what keeps me on edge sometimes is bringing this Creative World fully to life - where I am successfully making a living off of my Art - my writing; my painting; that stems from the Internal World that I have nurtured and nourished throughout my life; something that I give my Heart and Soul too. 

I think that stems from an old narrative; an old energy that doesn’t really or rather, can’t really co-exist with who I am Now. See, Part of this Internal World is my solid foundation within myself. Part of this Internal World is how deeply anchored I am in the Soul and Source of who I am. Innate and Integral Parts of Who I am - what lies beneath the tip of the iceberg you know. 

Sometimes, you don’t need to hold on to old energies/ old doubts/ old fears/ old resentments. I read a quote recently that said - Don’t be afraid of losing yourself, and I felt that it was a quote that just came right on time for me - it lightly embodied the clarity of what I needed to feel now. In some ways, I was holding on to the old, because there was a part of me that is actually afraid of losing myself. By holding onto these old energies, it felt like I was constantly reminding myself of who I am and it started to feel heavy, like it was obstructing my now, my present. 

But the moment I realized that I didn’t need to be afraid of losing myself, I no longer held onto those old energies. See, much like my visions, clarity and healing and understanding creates itself in a plethora of ways and a single statement; one quote can move through you in a way that drastically increases your Presence; your Now; your quality of life in this moment. 

In experiencing what this relationship with the chill part of me is; In embodying the layers of that vision of ease within myself - these old narratives no longer have a place within me. It is a significant thing to move on and move forward from a Way of Thinking; a Way of seeing Life; of moving through Life that was not blatantly bad or good but it’s just that you know that you have outgrown it and you don’t need it anymore. 

My Life encompasses many Layers of depth and satisfaction and fulfillment within it on a day to day basis - the Way my Innate Connection to Life; to Source; to my Heart; to mySelf is so vibrantly alive inside of me; the Way I create snippets of that connection in my writing; the Way I am splashing more of those colors of creation onto my canvases; the Journey that Life has given to me; the Healing that God has held my hand and walked me through moment to moment; the intimate connection that I experience with mySelf; the Love and Passion that is so viscerally alive inside of me; the Presence of the Absolute with and within me; the Lightness and Humor that lives within my Heart; - I cannot support these old resentments within me anymore; I cannot feed further these old doubts; I cannot give my time to old fears anymore. I cannot.

I did not expect to write what I wrote today and yet I kind of did … something special always unfolds in these moments, you know, where I feel my Soul nourished and at ease. 

I wanted to say that I’ve laughed a lot in the past couple of days, more than I have in a long time. I watched the new Deadpool movie (I’ve seen the earlier ones and I thoroughly enjoyed it.) Anyways, the way that I cackled and howled with laughter from beginning to end. I cannot remember the last time that I have laughed like that. I feel more and more like my effortlessly goofy and silly self. I think it’s just part of the way that I enjoy life on a day to day basis - connecting with the people around me you know. 

Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan